Comes suddenly and hits you in the head... making you dizzy and spinning around wondering what was going on. How is it that, all of a sudden you are in a merry-go-round, spinning fast and that the world was turning in a blur yet you felt so happy, with your heart beating with excitement and anticipation?
Is this what life is about? Not knowing what happened but only realising what you feel? A day, just like any other normal day, stuck deep in the mud of mundane and routine, makes it all the difference when you are happy and unhappy. Does the world stop spinning when you are unhappy? Do people really notice and care about how you feel? However, it still changed to you. A day like any other day is not like any other day. It is a day, when you think, today I am happy.
Cherish the happy day, as there are not a lot that comes by. Sometimes it only lasts for that 1 day, and then everything else just falls back to whatever was before that. Only then will you realise that happiness is so fragile, just like a butterfly. Flies in to touch you for the moment, then the next it's gone.
Then, no matter how hard you tried, you may never find the butterfly again.
Perhaps, in the process of searching for it. You have gotten used to the grey of every day. Still everything passes like a blur, because you stop wondering and looking. The spinning continues but it starts to get dizzy in a bad way, makes you want to vomit, makes you want to cry and makes you want to stop the spinning, and searching. And just close your eyes and shut the world out. No noise just silence and no motion just stillness.
Then slowly, open your eyes again... See what is around you. A butterfly, a different butterfly, may just come and visit you. The happy day, as sudden as it has left, will come suddenly. Hitting you on the head, making you dizzy and spinning around wondering what was going on.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Poem 1 Archived
At first...
You tried to run...
You tried to hide..
Then...
You wished you had vanished...
You wished it was just a nightmare...
But then...
You felt it to the core of your every bone...
You smelled it to the every drop of your blood...
So...
You peeled the shell of your soul with every inch of your strength...
You searched and searched
And searched again..
Till you found your inner hero
Staring right through your very own window of freedom.
- Cho C. Win (09/28/2011)
You tried to run...
You tried to hide..
Then...
You wished you had vanished...
You wished it was just a nightmare...
But then...
You felt it to the core of your every bone...
You smelled it to the every drop of your blood...
So...
You peeled the shell of your soul with every inch of your strength...
You searched and searched
And searched again..
Till you found your inner hero
Staring right through your very own window of freedom.
- Cho C. Win (09/28/2011)
Friday, September 14, 2012
I Cannot Believe It
Yup. I've said it.
For once in my life, I've allowed myself to let her grow from a benign tumor to a cancerous one. When did that happen? I do not even know... guess that is the question on most people 's mind when fell in love with the wrong person.
For once in my life, I've allowed myself to let her grow from a benign tumor to a cancerous one. When did that happen? I do not even know... guess that is the question on most people 's mind when fell in love with the wrong person.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Hello Blog, Its Me Again
Hi Dear Abandoned Blog,
I think you will be glad to know that the bitch call Karma might have answered your call... She's made me come back on the one year anniversary of none update/confession to visit you because I'm still stuck in the same effin' situation exactly a year ago with no progress...
It feels like to you are my higher authority that I have not got in touched with for so long and you are giving me a knock on the head today to remind me you are still here and very much alive and kicking.
So yes... there you go. I'm still the same: single and looking. Even though I would very much like to imagine myself to be happily married with a beautiful beautiful wife (wives in my mormon fantasy), and planning for the first kid right now while setting up the white picket fence in our new house yadda yadda....
I promise that I will never abandon you again for so long... If it means that I will not find a good woman to settle down with as a punishment to not confessing to you. Amen.
I think you will be glad to know that the bitch call Karma might have answered your call... She's made me come back on the one year anniversary of none update/confession to visit you because I'm still stuck in the same effin' situation exactly a year ago with no progress...
It feels like to you are my higher authority that I have not got in touched with for so long and you are giving me a knock on the head today to remind me you are still here and very much alive and kicking.
So yes... there you go. I'm still the same: single and looking. Even though I would very much like to imagine myself to be happily married with a beautiful beautiful wife (wives in my mormon fantasy), and planning for the first kid right now while setting up the white picket fence in our new house yadda yadda....
I promise that I will never abandon you again for so long... If it means that I will not find a good woman to settle down with as a punishment to not confessing to you. Amen.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
/* Post dated */
So I told myself: There, I've said it. I've done myself justice, so be satisfied and bite the bullet if I have to go through the rough patch of getting out of this infatuation.
It's not going to be easy, but hold the hope that you will get over it and be fine. Just like you have done before. It's tough but you've been through it before. Time's a slow doctor that makes you groan with pain with each passing day, thinking the wound will never recover. But one fine day, you will find yourself healed eventually. Nothing that will not be over if you willed it to.
So I told myself: There, I've said it. I've done myself justice, so be satisfied and bite the bullet if I have to go through the rough patch of getting out of this infatuation.
It's not going to be easy, but hold the hope that you will get over it and be fine. Just like you have done before. It's tough but you've been through it before. Time's a slow doctor that makes you groan with pain with each passing day, thinking the wound will never recover. But one fine day, you will find yourself healed eventually. Nothing that will not be over if you willed it to.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Random...
It's like.. clockwork, precise and predictable at every move. Yet, in every move, as every second passes, something small changes. Something is different from the last move, so tiny that you might oversee it. Then once in a while, you look back and realised how different it became, time now and then. So, you try to calibrate the next move so that it comes back to where it used to be, back with what you were familiar with.
Life needs calibration. Once in a while, look back to calibrate back the deviations before seconds turns to minutes and to something that even calibration might not be able to make it what you wanted.
Life needs calibration. Once in a while, look back to calibrate back the deviations before seconds turns to minutes and to something that even calibration might not be able to make it what you wanted.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
In the end
In the end, I still cannot be honest to the one person who's been totally honest with me. I've hurt him, in the way I didn't think it would be possible.
Ultimately, I'm just one of the many other people who have hurt him in his life. I hurt him by not telling him the truth, I've hurt him by not being able to love him back like he has. What kind of person am I?
What kind of person am I?
Who am I? The person that looks totally honest but really all full of lies? Guess that just makes me a very very good liar.
When will I have the courage to start merging all the different parts of me and show it as a whole, even when I was given the chance to start totally anew?
What have I done?
Ultimately, I'm just one of the many other people who have hurt him in his life. I hurt him by not telling him the truth, I've hurt him by not being able to love him back like he has. What kind of person am I?
What kind of person am I?
Who am I? The person that looks totally honest but really all full of lies? Guess that just makes me a very very good liar.
When will I have the courage to start merging all the different parts of me and show it as a whole, even when I was given the chance to start totally anew?
What have I done?
Monday, May 16, 2011
Infatuation is a Bitch!
Yes, you heard me. I guess there's always this self-abusing nature of human beings. You cannot get out of a crush because she's your friend, you always see her. And every time you hang out with her, you tuned out what's going on around, sometimes even what she's talking about. Then you notice how beautiful are her eyes, her smile, her hair, her skin, even the way she smells.
You feel your stomach twists whenever she leans in close to talk to you. And then, you start imagining that she might also like you, trying to find desperately (when probably there are none or totally willful misinterpretation) signs that she might also be into you.
Not that you've never tried. In fact, she's the one who suggested after a couple of dates to want to hang out as friends but it might be awkward. Being the total hopeless you, you disagreed that it will be awkward and you will be totally cool to be just friends.
So you hang out, twisting every muscle to hang on to that hair-thin self-control. Hitting your hand mentally when it inches out to touch her face or her hair, and pretending to be just friends. Right, just friends to her and torturing yourself internally.
You say to move on, but you kept making plans and finding excuses to create some events to hang out the next time. She's probably been friendly by asking you out again, genuinely to be friends. While you, clinging on the false hopes that she might just want to go out on a date with you.
Years ago, you remember spitting at those women who flung themselves uselessly at men who used them as doormats, been abusive or cheating etc. Then to a certain degree, you realised that you are probably like one of them too. Because you cannot get out of this infatuation. Because you keep doing what they are always doing, feed themselves with false hopes and imagination that things will change and she will come back to you someday, afterall, she never did outright rejected you, and even said that she liked you, but she's just not ready, right?
Your friends just tell you to move on and that she's sort of using you. Maybe deep inside you know they are right. Sometimes, you just tell them that you have moved on and the relationship is just pure friendship. Bullshit to others, and bullshit to yourself that you are not hopelessly hoping.
Pathetic, and you are just struggling, insincerely, to find a way out for yourself. Hoping time will help if distance is working just the opposite. Hoping divine intervention will help when you are working against it.
Yup, infatuation is a bitch, but you know who's that stupid chick that feeds this bitch constantly.
You feel your stomach twists whenever she leans in close to talk to you. And then, you start imagining that she might also like you, trying to find desperately (when probably there are none or totally willful misinterpretation) signs that she might also be into you.
Not that you've never tried. In fact, she's the one who suggested after a couple of dates to want to hang out as friends but it might be awkward. Being the total hopeless you, you disagreed that it will be awkward and you will be totally cool to be just friends.
So you hang out, twisting every muscle to hang on to that hair-thin self-control. Hitting your hand mentally when it inches out to touch her face or her hair, and pretending to be just friends. Right, just friends to her and torturing yourself internally.
You say to move on, but you kept making plans and finding excuses to create some events to hang out the next time. She's probably been friendly by asking you out again, genuinely to be friends. While you, clinging on the false hopes that she might just want to go out on a date with you.
Years ago, you remember spitting at those women who flung themselves uselessly at men who used them as doormats, been abusive or cheating etc. Then to a certain degree, you realised that you are probably like one of them too. Because you cannot get out of this infatuation. Because you keep doing what they are always doing, feed themselves with false hopes and imagination that things will change and she will come back to you someday, afterall, she never did outright rejected you, and even said that she liked you, but she's just not ready, right?
Your friends just tell you to move on and that she's sort of using you. Maybe deep inside you know they are right. Sometimes, you just tell them that you have moved on and the relationship is just pure friendship. Bullshit to others, and bullshit to yourself that you are not hopelessly hoping.
Pathetic, and you are just struggling, insincerely, to find a way out for yourself. Hoping time will help if distance is working just the opposite. Hoping divine intervention will help when you are working against it.
Yup, infatuation is a bitch, but you know who's that stupid chick that feeds this bitch constantly.
Monday, April 11, 2011
ingénue
How is it that I managed to, everytime when I'm totally drowned in alcohol, question who I really was? I wonder if this is really part of everyone's life, at one point in time when they are drunk. Set aside the fact a big part stems from the sexuality confusion, there's always this self-doubt about almost everything I do or say... Is this really me (at the same time, is this socially appropriate)? Does that mean I should probably visit a shrink if this question just floats in my mind every now and then. Maybe there's something really wrong with one who questions the meaning of her own existence so often... "The tree-lined avenue Begins to fade from view Drowning past regrets In tea and cigarettes... Ingénue..."
Monday, February 7, 2011
Status: Quo
Feelings: Mixed. Of course the fact that I cannot argue, I'm more comfortable with the weather here as compared to freaking winter wonderland. The realisation of muscle memory working its way when I'm here: the turning of locks, the switching of lights, the use of public transportation, the feelings of air-conditioned shopping centres, and speaking of Singlish.... It is all a distant familarity that seems to come out from the back of my mind without having to consciously think or act upon it.
Yet at the same time, the stress of crowd, the lack of space, the fast-pace escalators, even the humid air feel a bit too dense at times... which reminded me a long time ago when I was born and lived here all my life, I have not always liked what I am used to. The indulgence in imagining myself to be overseas in Europe with a cup of coffee, the thirsty envy when passing by the windows of an expensive condominium or a bungalow house and caught a glimpse of others' life, that almost certainly look to better than mine.. Materialistic desires unfufilled to the point I feel the weight hurting my heart. This, tells me I was in no way satisfied with life although I looked happy and normal on the surface.
I wished to come back, probably just to have the feeling of not belonging to somewhere where I once belonged. It is nice to know the feeling of that distant familarity is going to last only for a few weeks before returning back to where I don't belong; a place where I desire to belong.
Sometimes I wonder if I will feel this way if I'm really in another less desirable place, like where my sister is, a place with conditions much worse than this tropical island. It probably feels different than it is, and I would much liked to come home here than returning. My feelings are strange and mixed, which I understand but unable to honestly admit. Afterall, I'm looking forward to be out and about, and succumb to my own devil of materialistic desires of money, and free of all family/friends ties to do what I want.
Yet at the same time, the stress of crowd, the lack of space, the fast-pace escalators, even the humid air feel a bit too dense at times... which reminded me a long time ago when I was born and lived here all my life, I have not always liked what I am used to. The indulgence in imagining myself to be overseas in Europe with a cup of coffee, the thirsty envy when passing by the windows of an expensive condominium or a bungalow house and caught a glimpse of others' life, that almost certainly look to better than mine.. Materialistic desires unfufilled to the point I feel the weight hurting my heart. This, tells me I was in no way satisfied with life although I looked happy and normal on the surface.
I wished to come back, probably just to have the feeling of not belonging to somewhere where I once belonged. It is nice to know the feeling of that distant familarity is going to last only for a few weeks before returning back to where I don't belong; a place where I desire to belong.
Sometimes I wonder if I will feel this way if I'm really in another less desirable place, like where my sister is, a place with conditions much worse than this tropical island. It probably feels different than it is, and I would much liked to come home here than returning. My feelings are strange and mixed, which I understand but unable to honestly admit. Afterall, I'm looking forward to be out and about, and succumb to my own devil of materialistic desires of money, and free of all family/friends ties to do what I want.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
My Fucked Up Head
Seriously, I think I'm pretty pissed off... And there is always this time of the year that I feel I am being fucked around even though I have worked considerably hard for the company. If continuously I have been disappointed year by year for 3 years about this whole compensation package, it is considered foolish of me to think it would be any better the next year round.
But, being the hopelessly idiotic moi, and with of course all other private attachments to this country and company, I will see what comes for this year. No doubt I will be disappointed, yet again. If it does happens again, then yes, this is a time where I swear I will have to quit the job, no matter how much I like it. Even if it means going on without a job here and having to go back to Singapore to start all over again, as much as I hate the idea now.
The problem is I cry over the fact that it sorts of reflects how much the company values me and also a reflection if this is really how much I am worth right now. Friends tell me I should really start looking and not be affected. However the sentimental value to the company of six years really is not something that I should be throwing away, no matter how much frustration I have been facing. I still do love my job and what I am doing to a certain extend.
Further, the fear of not being able to get any job in the foreign country and the hassle of everything puts me to a halt. Secondly, if I go and try to look again, I may never be able to find my way back as much as I would hope to. Maybe I should be braver and not try to hide and lie to myself that this really something I have to do, now.
I'm still waiting for the ultimate reality hit to make me start moving forward. And I really hope this will be the last straw for me to give up. Really, I need to move on and stop holding the false hope that I will not be fucked up, once again for the 4th time.
But, being the hopelessly idiotic moi, and with of course all other private attachments to this country and company, I will see what comes for this year. No doubt I will be disappointed, yet again. If it does happens again, then yes, this is a time where I swear I will have to quit the job, no matter how much I like it. Even if it means going on without a job here and having to go back to Singapore to start all over again, as much as I hate the idea now.
The problem is I cry over the fact that it sorts of reflects how much the company values me and also a reflection if this is really how much I am worth right now. Friends tell me I should really start looking and not be affected. However the sentimental value to the company of six years really is not something that I should be throwing away, no matter how much frustration I have been facing. I still do love my job and what I am doing to a certain extend.
Further, the fear of not being able to get any job in the foreign country and the hassle of everything puts me to a halt. Secondly, if I go and try to look again, I may never be able to find my way back as much as I would hope to. Maybe I should be braver and not try to hide and lie to myself that this really something I have to do, now.
I'm still waiting for the ultimate reality hit to make me start moving forward. And I really hope this will be the last straw for me to give up. Really, I need to move on and stop holding the false hope that I will not be fucked up, once again for the 4th time.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Santa Monica Dream
It has to be the most random thing. I came back from the probably most perfect date with this guy... and I couldn't help but cry like a baby when I heard this song 'Santa Monica Dream' by Augus & Julia Stone.
I wasn't even thinking about him, but I just felt like crying... which I did. I was crying over her. I knew it was over, when she didn't reply to me, I knew I had to cut it off. Wish I didn't realise that. I know is probably not going to work out, the last time I saw her was like 3 months ago, and after that she was injured, she's been busy etc. etc.
I was so hopeful, still, when I boldly text her to ask her out on third date. She did reply, even asked me for advise if acupuncture was going to help her sprain.
3 weeks later, I messaged her and she never did reply. I knew that it was time to give up, like 2 weeks ago. However I still held on the hope that it isn't really over, till this one random night after a date with a guy.
I don't know how am I supposed to feel now. So I just cried, maybe as a farewell to the girl that I really really like.
I wasn't even thinking about him, but I just felt like crying... which I did. I was crying over her. I knew it was over, when she didn't reply to me, I knew I had to cut it off. Wish I didn't realise that. I know is probably not going to work out, the last time I saw her was like 3 months ago, and after that she was injured, she's been busy etc. etc.
I was so hopeful, still, when I boldly text her to ask her out on third date. She did reply, even asked me for advise if acupuncture was going to help her sprain.
3 weeks later, I messaged her and she never did reply. I knew that it was time to give up, like 2 weeks ago. However I still held on the hope that it isn't really over, till this one random night after a date with a guy.
I don't know how am I supposed to feel now. So I just cried, maybe as a farewell to the girl that I really really like.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Revelation
I'm smoking in front of the balcony on a beautiful 70 degrees Sunday... Gotta get some workout later on, go to the city for a concert in the evening and hoping to get a date to go with me...
I think I have gotten over it. And, one thing for sure, I love staying in the States. Not so much the city, but because I saw a couple of green birds flying happily across the street and then some jumping squirrels on the trees. Weird. As much as Singapore is a great and clean city, it is seldom where I still see a part of nature that blends with it. Trees were planted, but even this closest thing to nature was carefully controlled by the government, because space is just too precious in the city-state.
So anyway, set aside the inspiration of flying birds, greedy squirrels running around. The space and freedom that I feel constantly after living here for 2 years, tells me that this is what I've always wanted. At least in a few years down the road, I'm not ready to go back.
My heart's been somewhat broken with the girl I dated 2 times recently.. She still has not called. I am slowly letting go and pursing someone else more worthy. I see life as it comes and I want to work hard to live the way I want.
I hope by the time I'm 30 (which is pretty soon!), I want to be more confident than who I am now, not losing the goodness of what I have, but more confident in telling people who I really am. Who cares if I smoke more than I used, who cares if I'm just checking out girls with beautiful faces and sexy asses, who cares if I'm also into younger women.
If this is called sorted out, then I think at this moment, I'm happy... before I see myself going into another period of 'shittiness' and feel I'm not worthy of the world; at least I know I can handle life's challenges and be happy after that again.
Revelation does not come like a bolt of lightning that strikes you, or that ray of sun coming out from the cloudy sky. It is slow and gradual, sometimes you work your shit out, then sometimes you don't. But every single step that you take overcoming everyday is towards knowing who you really, what you really want. This is wisdom, I think. And that, comes with age and time.
I think I have gotten over it. And, one thing for sure, I love staying in the States. Not so much the city, but because I saw a couple of green birds flying happily across the street and then some jumping squirrels on the trees. Weird. As much as Singapore is a great and clean city, it is seldom where I still see a part of nature that blends with it. Trees were planted, but even this closest thing to nature was carefully controlled by the government, because space is just too precious in the city-state.
So anyway, set aside the inspiration of flying birds, greedy squirrels running around. The space and freedom that I feel constantly after living here for 2 years, tells me that this is what I've always wanted. At least in a few years down the road, I'm not ready to go back.
My heart's been somewhat broken with the girl I dated 2 times recently.. She still has not called. I am slowly letting go and pursing someone else more worthy. I see life as it comes and I want to work hard to live the way I want.
I hope by the time I'm 30 (which is pretty soon!), I want to be more confident than who I am now, not losing the goodness of what I have, but more confident in telling people who I really am. Who cares if I smoke more than I used, who cares if I'm just checking out girls with beautiful faces and sexy asses, who cares if I'm also into younger women.
If this is called sorted out, then I think at this moment, I'm happy... before I see myself going into another period of 'shittiness' and feel I'm not worthy of the world; at least I know I can handle life's challenges and be happy after that again.
Revelation does not come like a bolt of lightning that strikes you, or that ray of sun coming out from the cloudy sky. It is slow and gradual, sometimes you work your shit out, then sometimes you don't. But every single step that you take overcoming everyday is towards knowing who you really, what you really want. This is wisdom, I think. And that, comes with age and time.
Monday, August 2, 2010
A Perfect Date...
In a long time... Or rather for the first time. It was really great. Almost perfect, if is not for the fact that I absolutely do not know how to take hints and totally missed a great opportunity to bring it one step further...
Guess is just me. But then, not a bad idea to take it slow, right? *Trying to convince myself so I stop feeling like a fool.*.. Sigh..
I am so looking forward the next time I meet her again... Right now I just wanna scream happily now. I was smiling myself back home, literally. :D :D :D
I think I am crazy... but happy to be crazy. haha..
Guess all fools that are falling in love are pretty happy to be crazy... I'm starting to understand a little now.
Guess is just me. But then, not a bad idea to take it slow, right? *Trying to convince myself so I stop feeling like a fool.*.. Sigh..
I am so looking forward the next time I meet her again... Right now I just wanna scream happily now. I was smiling myself back home, literally. :D :D :D
I think I am crazy... but happy to be crazy. haha..
Guess all fools that are falling in love are pretty happy to be crazy... I'm starting to understand a little now.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Random
I saw you,
through my window to your balcony.
You were smoking alone. Smiling,
Probably at some thoughts that you were having.
I don't know you, but for the moment,
I thought I saw your barest soul, when
you are all alone, smoking by the balcony.
I saw you,
and I know that you smoke 2 cigarettes in the
late evening consecutively.
Sometimes you look out over to the sky.
I looked up, and saw the same stars.
I saw you,
through my window to your balcony.
and I know that you are lonely,
for you were smiling, and wiping tears
off your face.
I don't know you,
but for the moment, I saw your loneliness,
and I share the same feelings that you are
all alone, fragile, and as naked like you were
born to this earth.
I saw you,
and I know, you have friends and parties.
But after all that's gone, you were smoking
alone at the balcony.
Sometimes I think you looked straight at me,
and I towards you.
But we both share the comfort and safety
of the distance between us.
Comfortable enough, to look straight at each other,
and probably share a smile too.
The comfort, of probably knowing at the other side of the building,
somone, sharing a moment in time, and the two souls touched.
through my window to your balcony.
You were smoking alone. Smiling,
Probably at some thoughts that you were having.
I don't know you, but for the moment,
I thought I saw your barest soul, when
you are all alone, smoking by the balcony.
I saw you,
and I know that you smoke 2 cigarettes in the
late evening consecutively.
Sometimes you look out over to the sky.
I looked up, and saw the same stars.
I saw you,
through my window to your balcony.
and I know that you are lonely,
for you were smiling, and wiping tears
off your face.
I don't know you,
but for the moment, I saw your loneliness,
and I share the same feelings that you are
all alone, fragile, and as naked like you were
born to this earth.
I saw you,
and I know, you have friends and parties.
But after all that's gone, you were smoking
alone at the balcony.
Sometimes I think you looked straight at me,
and I towards you.
But we both share the comfort and safety
of the distance between us.
Comfortable enough, to look straight at each other,
and probably share a smile too.
The comfort, of probably knowing at the other side of the building,
somone, sharing a moment in time, and the two souls touched.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Blah blah blah
Okay, now with all that caffeine and nicotine saturating my body and calming down my nerves, I think I am ready to blog again.
Not with all that's been happening lately, I kinda slowly but surely feel that I am finally getting hold of myself, at least a little.
I still have my confusion about what I am looking for, in love, career. I do not even know what I should be looking forward to in this life, or just waiting for the time when my biology clock stops ticking. Meanwhile, just doing things to keep boredom and loneliness from eating into my sanity too much.
I guess I am whining, as with all other people who is having a less-than-satisfactory but not exceedingly bad life; no major illness or born-in defect physically/mentally to complete the drama, nor any current events that is shaping history around the globe to participate in.
Things do get spiced up once in a while, and for me, there is a subconsciousness to keep it down to a minimal level. Always be on the safe side, as mama has always said. Keep to your business. If I see a fight, walk away; if anything's too risky, avoid it. Walk on the path that's been walked and proven safe, not step on the thin line that you've seen so many before you done, unsuccessfully, I'll fall down and get hurt. Avoid un-taken approach at all cost... blah blah blah..
So anyway, about this little post of self-whining and magnifying the lost in the city feeling, I would like to add a little positive note. I am not in love, but looking forward to make it happen with somebody. If this is a phase that I have to go through to prove myself, I will take it as a journey to, hopefully, self-discovery of who I really am.
That is perhaps what everyone goes through in life, for me, is just the beginning of a start too late.
Not with all that's been happening lately, I kinda slowly but surely feel that I am finally getting hold of myself, at least a little.
I still have my confusion about what I am looking for, in love, career. I do not even know what I should be looking forward to in this life, or just waiting for the time when my biology clock stops ticking. Meanwhile, just doing things to keep boredom and loneliness from eating into my sanity too much.
I guess I am whining, as with all other people who is having a less-than-satisfactory but not exceedingly bad life; no major illness or born-in defect physically/mentally to complete the drama, nor any current events that is shaping history around the globe to participate in.
Things do get spiced up once in a while, and for me, there is a subconsciousness to keep it down to a minimal level. Always be on the safe side, as mama has always said. Keep to your business. If I see a fight, walk away; if anything's too risky, avoid it. Walk on the path that's been walked and proven safe, not step on the thin line that you've seen so many before you done, unsuccessfully, I'll fall down and get hurt. Avoid un-taken approach at all cost... blah blah blah..
So anyway, about this little post of self-whining and magnifying the lost in the city feeling, I would like to add a little positive note. I am not in love, but looking forward to make it happen with somebody. If this is a phase that I have to go through to prove myself, I will take it as a journey to, hopefully, self-discovery of who I really am.
That is perhaps what everyone goes through in life, for me, is just the beginning of a start too late.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
An Honest Self Description
1. I take confidence in my work, and the way I work.
2. On the other side, I am trying very hard to get a grip of myself and not let the demon takeover the sanity. So far, I am proud of what I am achieving because I know it could be a lot worse. Imagine getting into drugs and waste the life away.
3. My mind goes frenzy once in a while. The 2 biggest thing I am afraid is being blind, and the fact that I can absolutely understand what it is like to have a snapped mind.
4. I want to so much travel the world, yet right now I am too much of a couch potato who's happy with the life of mundane nine to five 'expatriate' with a pathetic remuneration package. I likened that to what a foreign construction worker is receiving after a hard day's work out in the sun laying bricks.
5. I like to take challenges constantly, physically and mentally. I think each challenge I overcome, I am stronger than who I was before.
6. I get lazy, lack of motivation and just let myself slack in other areas of life. I excuse myself that this is a way to de-stress.
7. The fact I try to push myself harder, because deep inside, I am nothing but a pile of mud.
8. Pessimistic, but I still have hope, and being naive is what gives the hope. Most of the time, I *hope* I am naive and life is all about eating strawberries and getting medicure and pink nail polish and fashionable clothes and rich, handsome boys kissing the hem of my mini-skirt. The only problem in my life, then, would be which rich boy to choose for prom night and if he will be the future father for my kids.
9. I hate to embarrass myself in public, I imagine I would be all classy, intellect, clever, clearheaded and classy with a touch of beauty. The fact is, I am not really. Did I just mention classy twice?? That shows a bit of the muddle-head that I am in reality.
10. I think I will be senile when I grow old, and because I do not want to be old and senile, I am constantly smoking to keep my life span not longer than 70.
11. If I grow old and have cancer, I will not seek medication but redemption. This is in the hope that my third biggest fear will not come true. After death, my conscious is stuck with my rotten body in a coffin till infinity. I will then request that they cremate my body instead of bury it just to be safe.
12. Lastly, I should stop here, because judging by the way this whole thing is going, I am going to let my imagination run wild and scare the daylight out of myself.. oh sorry, is it not night time now?
2. On the other side, I am trying very hard to get a grip of myself and not let the demon takeover the sanity. So far, I am proud of what I am achieving because I know it could be a lot worse. Imagine getting into drugs and waste the life away.
3. My mind goes frenzy once in a while. The 2 biggest thing I am afraid is being blind, and the fact that I can absolutely understand what it is like to have a snapped mind.
4. I want to so much travel the world, yet right now I am too much of a couch potato who's happy with the life of mundane nine to five 'expatriate' with a pathetic remuneration package. I likened that to what a foreign construction worker is receiving after a hard day's work out in the sun laying bricks.
5. I like to take challenges constantly, physically and mentally. I think each challenge I overcome, I am stronger than who I was before.
6. I get lazy, lack of motivation and just let myself slack in other areas of life. I excuse myself that this is a way to de-stress.
7. The fact I try to push myself harder, because deep inside, I am nothing but a pile of mud.
8. Pessimistic, but I still have hope, and being naive is what gives the hope. Most of the time, I *hope* I am naive and life is all about eating strawberries and getting medicure and pink nail polish and fashionable clothes and rich, handsome boys kissing the hem of my mini-skirt. The only problem in my life, then, would be which rich boy to choose for prom night and if he will be the future father for my kids.
9. I hate to embarrass myself in public, I imagine I would be all classy, intellect, clever, clearheaded and classy with a touch of beauty. The fact is, I am not really. Did I just mention classy twice?? That shows a bit of the muddle-head that I am in reality.
10. I think I will be senile when I grow old, and because I do not want to be old and senile, I am constantly smoking to keep my life span not longer than 70.
11. If I grow old and have cancer, I will not seek medication but redemption. This is in the hope that my third biggest fear will not come true. After death, my conscious is stuck with my rotten body in a coffin till infinity. I will then request that they cremate my body instead of bury it just to be safe.
12. Lastly, I should stop here, because judging by the way this whole thing is going, I am going to let my imagination run wild and scare the daylight out of myself.. oh sorry, is it not night time now?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
結局他人の幸せがうらやましくてしかたがない
自分と関係ないことだけど。 一人ぼっちで、毎日このまま過ごして、つまらないんだ。 ですから、ほかの人の生活に興味がある。それで恋のはじめ、別れ、全部関心が高まる。
やはり自分のドラマがないと、別人のドラマは関心がある。少しの楽しさを見つけられて、つまらないの毎日に少し人生の味を加える。ですからテレビのドラマをみるのは盛り上がる。ですから友のこと聞くのは興味がある。
自分の幸せを見つけられず、別人の生活からその部分を感じる。
こういう悲しいともない、ただ生きているだけです。
やはり自分のドラマがないと、別人のドラマは関心がある。少しの楽しさを見つけられて、つまらないの毎日に少し人生の味を加える。ですからテレビのドラマをみるのは盛り上がる。ですから友のこと聞くのは興味がある。
自分の幸せを見つけられず、別人の生活からその部分を感じる。
こういう悲しいともない、ただ生きているだけです。
Friday, April 9, 2010
So I have this dream, and then I thought, I could probably write a book out of it and become famous! I am sure nobody will ever have this idea, not even in their wildest dream (assuming my dream is as wild).
Here goes...
Suzie lives in a small town away from the capital of Brasvick by miles. She is a normal little town girl, having her little doll and her playmate who lives next door. His name is Husch, from the royal Blackwell who served at the court for 5 generations before his great-grand father was banished for alleged treason to this countryside.
This town, came about 80 years ago, established by a group of royals who were rich and affluenced at the time of peace ruled by the beloved King Henri. Thereafter, the crown prince, Josephine, died of a mysterious disease, just about the age of 20. The next crown prince in-line, who succeded after King Henri, was Keagan, the son of Lord Halent, King Henri's cousin.
Now, Keagan was very young and is in the total manipulation by his father, who had the ambition to takeover and feels that the country could be more strong and bigger. He manipulated Keagan and allowed the great army of Valderland to being a plan of invading neighbouring countries in the name of more resources for the expanding population.
This is a time where the subjects who were loyal to King Henri and believed in peace to start opposing the plans and what the now King Keagan would made. But King Keagan would not hear of such, his father has lead him, in these years to understand and appreciate the power of the crown and that no one, not even God, should ever defy him. The ambition to take over the land and create vast riches for people of Valderland.
The conflict lead to, ultimately a turmoil period that eventually set the loyal subjects to be banished away from court, never to be heard of again.
The war has dragged the once rich and pretty country to a harsh one. Lands are no longer fertile as young, strong men from every household were sent to war. There were not enough people to work in the lands anymore. The women, had to learn how to take care of the kids while doing the farm work. When the riches was spent on war, the taxes were collected more higher, and people got poorer.
The once carefree people of Valderland, who once greeted strangers with utmost hospitality sharing their bread and wine, have now became harsh people with such a sour face that milk turned into yogurt at their expression...
Valderland became a dark, glommy country that has lost it's greeneries that almost nobody remembers the time when Henri ruled. Almost. Except for the banished 12 loyal subjects. Legend has it that the 12 exceptional loyal subjects were also generals that protected the country during Henri's rule, from the deserted vast wasteland where the Shovans are.
Shovans are banished wizards, who once wielded mysterious powers to summon all demons and spirits of animals. They were all, once powerful and held in high regards by other countries, but who, has fallen into the trap of dark forces in their heart, the insatiable greed to takeover and rule the world. They were then banished, by reason of treason in the land of nothingness, of deserts, swamps and where the unknown dead were under the ground. They are also, naturally the enemies of Valderland, whom the 12 loyal subjects has faithfully protected the country from.
When they were all banished, they have disappeared, and taken along with them, that same power that could summon all spirits of the world. That same greatness that has protected the country so well, and the countless history and deeds they have done. This, has left the people with no hope and they no longer speak of the greatness but past it down as only legends and myths, that nobody believes any more.
What was unknown to Valderland, and not to King Keagan was that the 12 loyal subjects was not banished to the land of Shovans. Instead, they went far away from the ears of and eyes of the King, and built their own town and lived moderately, keeping the magic to themselves. As years past, they have, lived as honest folks, and the town grew with strangers or travellers that have decided to settle down and it became just like any other town in Valderland.
Things were peaceful and quiet for years then in the town of Brasvick, the fear that King Keagan would find them wore out from the minds of loyals as not even a single soldier has past the town. They have also, many a times, used their powerful magic to protect the town from being discovered and also to grow peacefully in the times of turmoil. More importantly, because the town borders the Wasteland where the Shovans roam, it has prevented the town from being invaded by Shovans.
However, one strange day, the peaceful quiet town suddenly found all the 12 loyal subjects, who were strong and healthy as their bulls in the farm were found dead as stone at their own individual house. This was first discovered by, of course their wives and families. Nobody knew what happened except to discover them being very dead one morning in Spring. It was a mystery that nobody could solve, because there was not a single sign of struggle, as the old coroner has found. There was not a single evidence of grudges against all of them, for they are all well-respected and beloved by all others, and their neighbours. The problem that they were found dead right on their own bed at the same time was a frightening mystery to the village. It was, as the old coroner put it, that their souls decided to leave the body that night.
It was all a strange, and devasting day for the whole of the village. Every person in the village attended the funeral in the cemetry right by the church. The face from each was solem and respectful, the family members were devasted with grief, they hold on to their sons tightly and shed soundless tears. They msytery death that could not be explained did not trigger suspicion within the village, for they all know too well that nobody could do that, given the power they hold.
Now on this day of the funeral, Suzie, the young child who sadly, does not have a family because her mother, a gypsy who travelled and settled in Brasvick had died years ago of a disease. Leaving her with the father of the church who was close friend, and neighbour of Blackwell. She, of course attended the funeral as her father was
Here goes...
Suzie lives in a small town away from the capital of Brasvick by miles. She is a normal little town girl, having her little doll and her playmate who lives next door. His name is Husch, from the royal Blackwell who served at the court for 5 generations before his great-grand father was banished for alleged treason to this countryside.
This town, came about 80 years ago, established by a group of royals who were rich and affluenced at the time of peace ruled by the beloved King Henri. Thereafter, the crown prince, Josephine, died of a mysterious disease, just about the age of 20. The next crown prince in-line, who succeded after King Henri, was Keagan, the son of Lord Halent, King Henri's cousin.
Now, Keagan was very young and is in the total manipulation by his father, who had the ambition to takeover and feels that the country could be more strong and bigger. He manipulated Keagan and allowed the great army of Valderland to being a plan of invading neighbouring countries in the name of more resources for the expanding population.
This is a time where the subjects who were loyal to King Henri and believed in peace to start opposing the plans and what the now King Keagan would made. But King Keagan would not hear of such, his father has lead him, in these years to understand and appreciate the power of the crown and that no one, not even God, should ever defy him. The ambition to take over the land and create vast riches for people of Valderland.
The conflict lead to, ultimately a turmoil period that eventually set the loyal subjects to be banished away from court, never to be heard of again.
The war has dragged the once rich and pretty country to a harsh one. Lands are no longer fertile as young, strong men from every household were sent to war. There were not enough people to work in the lands anymore. The women, had to learn how to take care of the kids while doing the farm work. When the riches was spent on war, the taxes were collected more higher, and people got poorer.
The once carefree people of Valderland, who once greeted strangers with utmost hospitality sharing their bread and wine, have now became harsh people with such a sour face that milk turned into yogurt at their expression...
Valderland became a dark, glommy country that has lost it's greeneries that almost nobody remembers the time when Henri ruled. Almost. Except for the banished 12 loyal subjects. Legend has it that the 12 exceptional loyal subjects were also generals that protected the country during Henri's rule, from the deserted vast wasteland where the Shovans are.
Shovans are banished wizards, who once wielded mysterious powers to summon all demons and spirits of animals. They were all, once powerful and held in high regards by other countries, but who, has fallen into the trap of dark forces in their heart, the insatiable greed to takeover and rule the world. They were then banished, by reason of treason in the land of nothingness, of deserts, swamps and where the unknown dead were under the ground. They are also, naturally the enemies of Valderland, whom the 12 loyal subjects has faithfully protected the country from.
When they were all banished, they have disappeared, and taken along with them, that same power that could summon all spirits of the world. That same greatness that has protected the country so well, and the countless history and deeds they have done. This, has left the people with no hope and they no longer speak of the greatness but past it down as only legends and myths, that nobody believes any more.
What was unknown to Valderland, and not to King Keagan was that the 12 loyal subjects was not banished to the land of Shovans. Instead, they went far away from the ears of and eyes of the King, and built their own town and lived moderately, keeping the magic to themselves. As years past, they have, lived as honest folks, and the town grew with strangers or travellers that have decided to settle down and it became just like any other town in Valderland.
Things were peaceful and quiet for years then in the town of Brasvick, the fear that King Keagan would find them wore out from the minds of loyals as not even a single soldier has past the town. They have also, many a times, used their powerful magic to protect the town from being discovered and also to grow peacefully in the times of turmoil. More importantly, because the town borders the Wasteland where the Shovans roam, it has prevented the town from being invaded by Shovans.
However, one strange day, the peaceful quiet town suddenly found all the 12 loyal subjects, who were strong and healthy as their bulls in the farm were found dead as stone at their own individual house. This was first discovered by, of course their wives and families. Nobody knew what happened except to discover them being very dead one morning in Spring. It was a mystery that nobody could solve, because there was not a single sign of struggle, as the old coroner has found. There was not a single evidence of grudges against all of them, for they are all well-respected and beloved by all others, and their neighbours. The problem that they were found dead right on their own bed at the same time was a frightening mystery to the village. It was, as the old coroner put it, that their souls decided to leave the body that night.
It was all a strange, and devasting day for the whole of the village. Every person in the village attended the funeral in the cemetry right by the church. The face from each was solem and respectful, the family members were devasted with grief, they hold on to their sons tightly and shed soundless tears. They msytery death that could not be explained did not trigger suspicion within the village, for they all know too well that nobody could do that, given the power they hold.
Now on this day of the funeral, Suzie, the young child who sadly, does not have a family because her mother, a gypsy who travelled and settled in Brasvick had died years ago of a disease. Leaving her with the father of the church who was close friend, and neighbour of Blackwell. She, of course attended the funeral as her father was
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