Status: Quo

Feelings: Mixed. Of course the fact that I cannot argue, I'm more comfortable with the weather here as compared to freaking winter wonderland. The realisation of muscle memory working its way when I'm here: the turning of locks, the switching of lights, the use of public transportation, the feelings of air-conditioned shopping centres, and speaking of Singlish.... It is all a distant familarity that seems to come out from the back of my mind without having to consciously think or act upon it.

Yet at the same time, the stress of crowd, the lack of space, the fast-pace escalators, even the humid air feel a bit too dense at times... which reminded me a long time ago when I was born and lived here all my life, I have not always liked what I am used to. The indulgence in imagining myself to be overseas in Europe with a cup of coffee, the thirsty envy when passing by the windows of an expensive condominium or a bungalow house and caught a glimpse of others' life, that almost certainly look to better than mine.. Materialistic desires unfufilled to the point I feel the weight hurting my heart. This, tells me I was in no way satisfied with life although I looked happy and normal on the surface.

I wished to come back, probably just to have the feeling of not belonging to somewhere where I once belonged. It is nice to know the feeling of that distant familarity is going to last only for a few weeks before returning back to where I don't belong; a place where I desire to belong.

Sometimes I wonder if I will feel this way if I'm really in another less desirable place, like where my sister is, a place with conditions much worse than this tropical island. It probably feels different than it is, and I would much liked to come home here than returning. My feelings are strange and mixed, which I understand but unable to honestly admit. Afterall, I'm looking forward to be out and about, and succumb to my own devil of materialistic desires of money, and free of all family/friends ties to do what I want.