My Fucked Up Head

Seriously, I think I'm pretty pissed off... And there is always this time of the year that I feel I am being fucked around even though I have worked considerably hard for the company. If continuously I have been disappointed year by year for 3 years about this whole compensation package, it is considered foolish of me to think it would be any better the next year round.

But, being the hopelessly idiotic moi, and with of course all other private attachments to this country and company, I will see what comes for this year. No doubt I will be disappointed, yet again. If it does happens again, then yes, this is a time where I swear I will have to quit the job, no matter how much I like it. Even if it means going on without a job here and having to go back to Singapore to start all over again, as much as I hate the idea now.

The problem is I cry over the fact that it sorts of reflects how much the company values me and also a reflection if this is really how much I am worth right now. Friends tell me I should really start looking and not be affected. However the sentimental value to the company of six years really is not something that I should be throwing away, no matter how much frustration I have been facing. I still do love my job and what I am doing to a certain extend.

Further, the fear of not being able to get any job in the foreign country and the hassle of everything puts me to a halt. Secondly, if I go and try to look again, I may never be able to find my way back as much as I would hope to. Maybe I should be braver and not try to hide and lie to myself that this really something I have to do, now.

I'm still waiting for the ultimate reality hit to make me start moving forward. And I really hope this will be the last straw for me to give up. Really, I need to move on and stop holding the false hope that I will not be fucked up, once again for the 4th time.