To Stay

Ever since the meeting on organization re-structure, my boss told me about the decision that although contract will not change, he would like to keep me here for another year, or if I want, he would fight to help me change to a permanent staff here. He was himself, fighting to stay here and change his contract. Well, he would have no problem, he bought a house, wife's got a job here as well that pays better than him. Expenses are more than affordable compared to England and he's got his friends and golf.

So I start interviewing people around me what they think about staying here forever. Friend pointed out the fact that it was not just the job that has to be considered, but the whole life, and your priorities. What do you like about here? What do you think are waiting for you back there?

Another friend who lived here all her life said that she would not go back and treat this place as her home. She's used to it, life is simple here, you don't have to worry about parents, relatives and all the bugging relationships that you do not want to deal with at all. One person here, you do whatever you want and create your own life that suits you best, so why not?

I started to question myself, what do I want from here and what is it that I like about this land. To begin with, I do not find any particularly interesting that I liked so far except for the fact that lesbian scenes here are pretty neat, and allows me to explore more of myself without worries of bumping into someone I know. Personally I do not feel very strongly about anything around here, just fitting in. I cannot point out and say that 'Oh I like that art scene!' etc. I like it here, just never felt it strongly that this is something for me.

Essentially I think it translates to it's the same anywhere, and I know that I have some place that I'd like to stay more than in NYC, if opportunity presents. Japan or Hong Kong or even Shanghai would probably make me feel more desirable. It boils down that afterall, I felt much at home with Asian countries rather than Europe or US.

So after conclusion, unless I meet the fateful person that will magically turn this place to heaven in my eyes, I would really want to risk and take chance and find some opportunities in other Asia countries. One thing for sure, I do not think that going back to Singapore will be the same for me and not something that I strongly desire as well.

自我檢討

不知道勇敢面對自己應該怎麽做到? 好像每一次都這麽告訴自己結果又在一次的失敗, 還是不了解自己到底想要什麽. 渴望愛情卻又再一次不肯主動. 喜歡的又覺得沒有也無所謂. 然後寂寞了, 又想著爲什麽會如此沒有用. 想要的, 卻總是定不下心來做. 就算簡單如料理煮飯. 然後就托....

自己的人生又是在不做與遺憾中繙來復去. 上一次的教訓, 這一次又重蹈覆轍, 痛駡了, 同樣事件再次上演. 唉... 辛苦卻又逃不出自己的性格缺陷. 想要幸福快樂, 原來不容易.

迷惘

我現在在迷惘中. 不知道泛過一陣陣的情緒是什麽. 自己又在想什麽. 想法, 連自己都不太了解.
我是否在試圖找尋自己的時候迷失了自己? 在以爲一切都是自由所以不負責任的表現另一面的自己, 忘了最原來那一部分也是我.

在領悟的過程中, 嘗到了更加迷失的失落. 向世人說自己不一樣, 卻逃不開自己也是人群中的一部分, 分不開, 逃不掉, 更不可能完全不一樣. 想要比表現最真實的一部分, 卻在別人的虛僞影響下, 忘了這是不是真的自己, 或只是另一個想要融合在大環境下妥協的表現.

想要活出最開心的自己, 卻總是到了夜深人靜時, 在屋子裏品嘗寂寞. 每一次和別人聊天后的滿足, 只是在當時的. 竟讓沒有留下深刻印象. 然後發現自己情緒的變動太大, 好累.

人, 爲什麽不可以一個人, 活著, 爲什麽總是在情緒的作弄下變得不開心? 我, 又爲什麽總是覺得空虛? 理想的生活, 卻讓自己陷在不開心的狀態. 找尋, 卻不了解自己的得到了是否會真正快樂. 讓自己沉淪在不知所謂的憂鬱情緒中, 卻每天夢想著如果得到了最想要的, 就會變得快樂. 但直到如果對現狀不知足, 就永遠會在這樣的循環當中. 得不到, 不快樂, 得到了, 迷失, 找尋, 不快樂. 然後找出口墮落. 等著讓自己找到下一個以爲會快樂的目標.

結果, 人生到底是什麽? 時不停地找尋目標, 向目標奮鬥, 達到了, 再定下一個更大的目標然後奮鬥直到老死? 在死前最後一刻, 告訴自己活著的意義就是如此. 紅塵中的人就應該如此.

繼續迷惘, 繼續思考, 繼續找尋, 繼續生活.

Devil's Drink

It's no wonder why alcohol is called a devil's drink. It shows the other side of your friend which you have never seen. Especially under the circumstance that both of you are in a foreign country and the last thing you really care about is the people on the streets and how they see you.

So we went to Brooklyn's famous Burger place. Ordered beer and each had 2. Then to work out the alcohol before I drive her home, we started talking and acting crazy (slightly). Obviously, she's a very self-controlled person just like me. No matter how much we drink, we never get wasted and unconscious or even to the point of we don't know what happened. But still, we talked crazy. All the F words came out of her mouth freely, she speaks rudely, and talked about almost about anything. Which is not very usual of her.

She got close and mentioned something that she knew about me which I didn't tell her. I challenged her, but got afraid of it myself. Yes, I was sober, though acting weird and stuff, I was still watching and listening to whatever she was saying. So, she said she knew something about me. In the end she didn't say what it was.

It made me felt creepy scared. Not scared out of my shit, just thought that probably I might have given away myself as a bi-sexual somehow or the other. Because while we were drinking some bad coffee and I smoking, we discussed about homosexuality being illegal in my home country. She's like, what? Are you kidding me? I don't think I can live in this country! There's no freedom! Why should you care about other people's sexual preference and labeling them as illegal!! That's so wrong~...

So I responded.. ah well, you never knew, so now you know what kinda place I lived in. I felt that I never fitted (in general) from where I came from, so that was one of the reason why I think that NY is much better...

After this episode, I told her that I wonder how different would we be if we got really drunk and wasted.. etc. etc... She said that I don't know her and don't know what she can do or say. I didn't say anything. Suddenly she said that she knew the other side of me. I was like... what? What do you know about me? She said, things... Oh well, I know... even though you've never said it. She was slight tipsy, but not I. And I wasn't prepared to tell her anything at all, at least not tell her that I probably would kiss her right on the spot if I finished a 3rd beer.

I kept quiet and walked along, wondering what about that she knew of me. I suddenly remembered the Friday evening, did she saw me with another girl holding hands walking down the streets? I don't know. I am kinda excited to dig out the answer (partially to the thought that she might be the same as me) but yet afraid to do anything further. Call me a coward, but I am not ready to tell someone who is too close to the life and social circle that I hold dear to. If she ever tells anybody, I am pretty sure that 3rd party would be from home country and soon the news would spread. Just like it did the last time for tobacco.

Naturally, at the same time, I really couldn't help but wonder if she is either bicurious or bisexual. Which leaves me to the wildest imagination that I knew would never be able know, that is, if it is ever true.

Well, I don't know if whatever she thinks about me is what I assumed, but the atmosphere was so weird that I couldn't take the pressure and decided to escape from it, yet disappointed again at my own self and hopelessly wished that if I do it again, the result might just be a sweet surprise for me. Sigh. I am just not a risk-taker, even with the devils' drink.

* Friends or couples?*

牽手

牽手的甜蜜.

星期五約到她了. 當我以爲她不會回信的時候. 看到了短訊興奮到不行. 然後就在最後的上班時間找餐館. 選定了Hell's Kitchen. 肯定沒有問題, 想吃什麽料理都有, 從法國料理到泰式的都有好幾閒.

然後經過一番折騰, 當她提議去East Village. 我巴巴地跑到了14街, 然後她就打了電話問說到底在哪裏用餐. 我一時無言, 然後再建議去HK. 她說好. 然後就問了想吃的料理. 她回說法國餐. 結果我又倒回去HK, 然後開始到處問人那裏有好吃的法國料理餐館.

結果見面的時候也已經太遲了, 因爲不想等太久, 選了又選終于決定日本料理. 吃了飯, 她就說想帶我去見她的一個好朋友. 走在街上的時候她牽了我的手. 心裏高興極了, 但是臉上盡是害羞的表情. 好坦白地告訴她其實這是第一次女孩子的手. 感覺著她的手有些粗糙, 好溫暖, 心裏感覺對極了, 不知覺邊走邊笑.

雖然之前吻過了, 但是牽手的感覺真的不一樣. 沒有sexual的, 純屬一種讓人好幸福的滋味. 我想我一輩子也不會忘記. 就算以後真的沒有可能和她或者其他女孩在一起. 我也覺得現在值得了.

FUB

Yes, that is what I have decided to term myself for today (Fucked Up Bitch, FUB). Because I fucked up. Fucked up almost everything possible in a friendship. With 'random friend' and also with my good friend here.

Why? I blame it because I'm still in the process of coming out, or probably it's just the menses that caused my hormones to act into my brain and do things with zero EQ. First, I decided to spend the whole day with my friend, last minute sending a message to 'random friend' that I will not be meeting him. His sarcastic reply: You cancel it even before I responded, real smooth.
I was like, What the fuck? I didn't appoint a time with you Mr. Random. Still, my weakling side felt really bad. As a friend, a promise is a promise.

So the next thing, I told my friend about all that and that Random friend took an interest in me. She said that I shouldn't meet him afterall. Why? Just giving him chance and playing with him. Hey, I made it clear to him that I am not interested in guys (although I never told my friend this part of the story), at least not for the moment. However, digging deeper, I knew that she is probably right about it. I am keeping a chance for myself. Cynical bitch inside me says that if you failed to get a girlfriend, you might just jump into his hug for fear of loneliness. Yes, you are right, my dear friend. I didn't want to understand that, and now you have to keep reinforcing it into my mind. What's wrong with you? Irritating. Why do you even care about it at all. But oh why, yes, you are my friend, of course. (Penning this down in blog meant that she should not see it.)

So, we continued staying together wandering around the city in the humid, suffocating evening. Then she invited me to stayover and get up the next day to go to lesson directly. It's easier, I don't have to cross over to the River here and there. Why, of course, that's a very tempting invitation to me. But, I don't wanna wear your clothes. I don't even feel very much like bathing in your house. I asked why to myself. Because, I am going to get freaked out by wearing her clothes, and seeing her in really short shorts. I should probably count myself lucky that she does not have the habit of wearing sexy PJs with laces and panty. It will kill me. Yes. It will make me jump on her, that's what. And wearing her clothes makes me feel perverted. That's why.
On top of all these reasons, because I am having my menses and I don't wanna mess it up.

Promptly, I rejected her offer, telling her is okay, I can get home safe and stuff. So I went. On the way back, I messaged her that I really wanted to stay (and probably more to fuck you), but I am having my menses so.... etc. Yes, cynical bitch tells me that I should come up with a more EQ excuse (or reason) to make myself feel better about rejecting friend's so passionate and tempting offer. It has got into me, I know that probably my friend felt that I didn't take her as a good friend. No, it's all wrong. I thought (or at least bitch thought) that I should really find some good excuse to make her feel better, or at least make me feel better.

When the message went out, the reply never came. At least not at the time of blog. Then, I felt stupid. The excuse seems uneeded now. It only shouts more that I was trying to give some 'correct reasons' to make her feel better, or make myself feel better. In the end, I felt that bitch has done it all. All the things and my reply have given me away as someone insincere and is not open enough to a true friend.

True. I know I always keep thoughts to myself and hide a lot of things. Who doesn't? Let's just say that I selectively portray to different people different sides of me. I react to whatever their reactions are, or whatever they favour. It's still me, what's wrong?

Still, today though wasn't a lonely Saturday, wasn't a very good one either. To say the least, I seem to mess up whatever things that can be messed with human relationship. Probably there is a reason why I should stay alone and lonely, because being with people made me feel stressed and being alone makes me feel lonely. Both causes pain, the first to myself and other people, the latter to myself.

Conclusion: Probably because I am cynical by nature, so I tried hard to be politically correct as a cover-up, and it all the more proves myself as who I am. What a vicious cycle of nature of human and it's behaviours.

總是了解以後才愛上

應該都是這樣子才對. 雖然每一次看到漂亮的女生讓我眼前一亮, 一雙賊眼就近跟著不放. 但是在聊過以後, 更加認識之後才真正從感受對方的性格, 氣質受到吸引. 就算一開始並不覺得那女孩好漂亮, 如果性格非常開朗, 談吐有深度, 那也是一種看不到卻更持久的美.

也就是如此讓我寂寞了. 因爲能夠connect的人也太少了. 文化的差異, 背景的不同, 讓彼此的話題相對少了, 而且因爲自己的害羞和對方的casual, 往往也只是僅只于small talk話題. 酒醒了, 人也就散了. 留下的電話號碼也不過是形式上的, 不會有人真的打去. 曲終人散的寂寞卻真實留著.

愛, 也只是對方互相吸引才能夠發生的, 頻率不對, 也沒有辦法了解對方. 當然愛就不可能發生. 單方面的也只不過是喜歡自己所以為的她. 如果沒有感覺, 就不可能回應, 不能有共鳴, 能夠持續多久這樣子的熱情?

也許就是因爲如此, 沒有找到所謂的喜歡, 而每一次的相聚只是提醒自己的寂寞與一個人在異國的無奈.

經過

傍晚六點. 天空一片陰霾, 下著細雨, 空氣冷冷的 . 路上擁擠的車輛, 每個人都趕著回家. 駕車時經過了路旁的一閒咖啡館. 從裏面傾斜出暖暖的黃色燈光, 坐在裏面的人看著外面的車子走過, 行人路過. 好想停下腳步, 進去裏面, 喝杯熱咖啡, 看著緩緩上升的熱氣, 外面的行人, 裏面的客人.

思想停下來, 聼著雨水拍打著玻璃窗的聲音, 聼著館子播著緩慢的爵士樂. 聼著旁邊的情侶小聲地説話. 聞著空氣中濃濃的咖啡香. 時間變得慢了, 和外面趕著回家的人影形成對比.

傍晚, 咖啡, 陰天. 簡單的享受.

恐怖的購買欲

稍微可以了解欲望無止盡的感覺了. 只能以恐怖兩個字來形容. 並不是對別人的欲望感到恐怖, 而是對自己的購買欲望覺得可怕. 我平常不太購物, 簡單來説我就像是普天下的男人. 只有需要的時候才會購物, 而且買的夠用就可以了. 當然我也有自己嗜好, 比如mp3啦, cd啦, 諸如此類. 不過我從來不買多, 以一個一天24小時都在聼音樂的人來説, 我擁有的cd已經算少了. 偶爾也有情不自禁的時候. 衝動地花錢買些不三不四的東西, 也算是解壓的一種. 對於花錢雖然我很隨便, 但是買得貴的東西也不過是那些電子類. 而買女人的東西比如衣服, 我就從來不買貴, 更不隨便買. 首飾也只是點到爲止. 禁止自己再看, 也就少了買的欲望.

來到這裡之後, 不知道是不是因爲需要買的東西太多了, 結果購物就變成一種習慣. 然後爲了和朋友聚一聚, 購物在我這裡的生活變成了一種社交活動. 不買,對不起朋友. 白白拉了人逛了三個小時什麽也沒看中也不太好. 結果就買了一件上一表示表示. 自己心裏其實有些無奈, 對於自己這樣的舉動來'交待'購買活動成功... 然後再安慰自己說其實衣服也沒有多少, 全都留在老家裏. 回去舊的衣服都丟了吧, 反正有些穿了3年都不止, 夠本了. 然後就發現了這一種'社交活動'在大前天創下了有史以來血拼出血最厲害的一次. 沒有任何的電器或電子玩意兒, 只買了屬於'女人'的東西. 到了有名的名牌批發中心已經第二次了. 本來覺得應該不會再買東西了. 因爲衣服夠穿了, 因爲家裏的擺設或家具或廚房器具都已經夠用了. 來的目的不過是當朋友的司機與配游. 除了買些便宜的名牌手錶在我的腦海裏沒有別的了. 結果一整天下來, 朋友買了過500美金的包包, 廚房用具, 給家人的禮物, 衣服之類... 而我竟然也毫不遜色, 除了已經想買而且還買多了的手錶, 還買了名牌包包, 兩件上衣, 廚房用具... 花掉的錢也近400美金了.

我的媽呀~ 太小看自己就'買'的功力了. 東西都小小的有不重, 比起友人的大包小包, 比她一般還少的我竟然花的也只比他少了一點. 回到家看著自己的'戰利品'心驚膽戰. 看著自己的錢包裏面的卡感覺大已經被刷破一層皮了, 此刻正在流著鮮血... 我... 我... 唉... 啞口無言, 感覺像做夢. 雖然有了'買'的滿足感, 卻對自己的'下手不留情'的血拼狠勁着實嚇了一跳. 真的不想也不喜歡這樣子花錢的自己. 雖然口裏整天說自己拜金又虛榮心甚重, 但是自制力還是有的. 這一次完全敗給了欲望, 以及那個寫著打折的名牌商店...

看來這一陣子還是不要出去了, 現在的花錢只是再一次的擰著我的心, 簡直讓我痛不欲生呐. 天啊! 收拾我這個拜金女吧... 我知錯啦~

Relationships

It is really amazing how much you can establish relationship within a day, or for a matter of fact, within few hours over a meal and a drink at the bar.

The fact being that I thought I was getting out of touch with my colleagues and beloved boss, then suddenly you realised that you weren't that far away from them. On Wednesday after a frustrating discussion at work, the PM (Project Manager) suggested a drink nearby the office. I thought, yes, why haven't I tried to do some get-together before and have always been the active participant but passive organiser. So it was set, the same day we'll be going for a beer or two and all the work-gossip-work talk. Typical, and easy. You give the venue and time, send the email to a few people, tell them to pass on the news, blah blah. And then the next thing is to let the people mingle among themselves, while you enjoy the whole of it. Not that difficult, nothing much required out of the organiser.

Except you don't know that people responding very enthusiastically over the email, or people telling you that this the best email received for the whole week etc. are not going. Nope, they say yeah, they like to go have a drink, unwind and relax, great idea... Then of a sudden, this guys's got his daughter's birthday on the same day, that person has something urgent work issues to attend and will stay overtime...

Poop (a slang from my Japanese friend, which basically means shit I reckon), then nobody comes. What's wrong with these people really.

Whatever, cannot be bothered too much with people who are too casual and lack sincerity. Really. I've had enough of people who talks passionately about something then all the actions once again proofed that their mouths are doing most of the job in the life. So the people who dropped by for a drink are really people that you want to mingle with.

So there's like small group of 4 people, goes for a drink at the bar, as the alcohol content rises in the body, so is the discussion on work gossip. Before you know it, you will be telling each other about your family problems, the season's games, etc. The feeling is good, you feel closer, you felt that you are sharing, or understanding part of the lives out of the office. You feel you can become friends with them, real friends.

At the end of the session, you realised that there's been plans to do this and do that the next time, the next get-together, or even a group tour, etc. That's how much you can establish over a drink and a dinner (at Diner's). The relationship is closer, naturally there are more topic than you can imagine to talk about and possible activities to do. As for the next stage, if the effect is going to last and you will be able to take the chance to build up the relationship, is another story.