FUB

Yes, that is what I have decided to term myself for today (Fucked Up Bitch, FUB). Because I fucked up. Fucked up almost everything possible in a friendship. With 'random friend' and also with my good friend here.

Why? I blame it because I'm still in the process of coming out, or probably it's just the menses that caused my hormones to act into my brain and do things with zero EQ. First, I decided to spend the whole day with my friend, last minute sending a message to 'random friend' that I will not be meeting him. His sarcastic reply: You cancel it even before I responded, real smooth.
I was like, What the fuck? I didn't appoint a time with you Mr. Random. Still, my weakling side felt really bad. As a friend, a promise is a promise.

So the next thing, I told my friend about all that and that Random friend took an interest in me. She said that I shouldn't meet him afterall. Why? Just giving him chance and playing with him. Hey, I made it clear to him that I am not interested in guys (although I never told my friend this part of the story), at least not for the moment. However, digging deeper, I knew that she is probably right about it. I am keeping a chance for myself. Cynical bitch inside me says that if you failed to get a girlfriend, you might just jump into his hug for fear of loneliness. Yes, you are right, my dear friend. I didn't want to understand that, and now you have to keep reinforcing it into my mind. What's wrong with you? Irritating. Why do you even care about it at all. But oh why, yes, you are my friend, of course. (Penning this down in blog meant that she should not see it.)

So, we continued staying together wandering around the city in the humid, suffocating evening. Then she invited me to stayover and get up the next day to go to lesson directly. It's easier, I don't have to cross over to the River here and there. Why, of course, that's a very tempting invitation to me. But, I don't wanna wear your clothes. I don't even feel very much like bathing in your house. I asked why to myself. Because, I am going to get freaked out by wearing her clothes, and seeing her in really short shorts. I should probably count myself lucky that she does not have the habit of wearing sexy PJs with laces and panty. It will kill me. Yes. It will make me jump on her, that's what. And wearing her clothes makes me feel perverted. That's why.
On top of all these reasons, because I am having my menses and I don't wanna mess it up.

Promptly, I rejected her offer, telling her is okay, I can get home safe and stuff. So I went. On the way back, I messaged her that I really wanted to stay (and probably more to fuck you), but I am having my menses so.... etc. Yes, cynical bitch tells me that I should come up with a more EQ excuse (or reason) to make myself feel better about rejecting friend's so passionate and tempting offer. It has got into me, I know that probably my friend felt that I didn't take her as a good friend. No, it's all wrong. I thought (or at least bitch thought) that I should really find some good excuse to make her feel better, or at least make me feel better.

When the message went out, the reply never came. At least not at the time of blog. Then, I felt stupid. The excuse seems uneeded now. It only shouts more that I was trying to give some 'correct reasons' to make her feel better, or make myself feel better. In the end, I felt that bitch has done it all. All the things and my reply have given me away as someone insincere and is not open enough to a true friend.

True. I know I always keep thoughts to myself and hide a lot of things. Who doesn't? Let's just say that I selectively portray to different people different sides of me. I react to whatever their reactions are, or whatever they favour. It's still me, what's wrong?

Still, today though wasn't a lonely Saturday, wasn't a very good one either. To say the least, I seem to mess up whatever things that can be messed with human relationship. Probably there is a reason why I should stay alone and lonely, because being with people made me feel stressed and being alone makes me feel lonely. Both causes pain, the first to myself and other people, the latter to myself.

Conclusion: Probably because I am cynical by nature, so I tried hard to be politically correct as a cover-up, and it all the more proves myself as who I am. What a vicious cycle of nature of human and it's behaviours.