How is it That I Cannot Get Through Self-loathe

I don't know if I am still suffering or what. Sometimes I feel I could move on without any problems anymore, then the next second something happens and I thought I was not forgetting things that I should have.

It's weird, and the best part of it, is still the very doubt that I have in mind about liking someone. I would not even say this has anything to do with love. I strongly believe love can only happen between 2 parties, that has know each other well, well enough that you are ready to accept anything you may dislike about each other. This such strong feelings, I really doubt myself to be able to accept it at all.

I am not very passionate, and tend to consciously and sub-consciously withdraw myself out from a lot of things. Which is probably why the reason I do not quite accept myself to be someone that processes information with the heart. However, this does not seem to prevent myself from falling into someone like every so often, and probably I am still denying if this 'falling into someone' is of any significance to me at all.

It is confusing, for someone who doubts even her own feelings towards anyone else, to find someone to like and love. Even more so, to even start liking her own self. Yet, this very self-lock problem is causing all the unbearable loneliness in the heart, and it turns into a vicious cycle of want to open to someone because of pure loneliness, yet not able to do so, because of problems to open up to someone, and that is really the contributing factor towards more loneliness.

Writing this, I am starting to hate myself for every thought I have in mind right now. Sometimes I feel probably this is what everyone goes through, and if you cannot endure this long self-tormenting ritual, the line will just snap and you go crazy. For people who are really successful, they probably somehow manage to channel this sort of crazy energy into some else (like inventions, arts) to express themselves. This saves them from being berserk to borderline craziness, to which is termed as eccentric.

I wish I could do something like that, at least this saves me from the insane question to myself of constantly thinking of someone, and still doubt if I do like her at all. Nice.

I Do Not Belong to any Subculture

I have never felt that I was gay in any way for once. The meaning of gay has sort of turned people who love people of the same gender into some sort of sub-culture thing and might just die away with the trend, once the mainstream no longer adopts this and thinks this as 'cool'.

Because, being gay is not about cool, dressing differently or not conforming to societal standard (I know this is debatable, which really raises the question of what is 'societal standard' for love). It is not like being into Gothic, dressing differently in any sense. I do not dress differently from normal people, do not have very differing or radical views about politics, religions, nor do I speak differently or act different because I hate the society, the majorities and what they are doing. I do not live a different lifestyle than any other normal single, working, middle incomers. I hold on and dearly respect authority and any good system in place in the world now.

I do not 'identify' myself with group of people who love the 'The L Word', and some even tried to identify themselves with the characters or their relationship from this drama. The reason is really because I do not identify myself with people who love Ally McBeal, or Closer, or any other dramas that I am addicted to as well.

Loving people from the same gender should never be anything that needs to be 'identified' or 'grouped'. Just like heterosexual never really identify themselves as being heterosexual. That is what it is. It should be normal.

In my ideal world, homo and heterosexual (no, the words are not in preferential order) should always be able to discuss relationships together. The 'ideal' conversation between a married heterosexual and homosexual should be like this...

HE (Heterosexual female), HO (Homosexual female)

HE: ... but I just cannot stand my husband for leaving out his smelly socks on the floor, just like that. He should just throw it into the laundry directly, after taking it off! Oh...

HO: Oh yes, it's gross isn't it? I cannot stand smell in the house. Everytime when my wife is drunk from her social gathering and stuff, I made her go bathe first before even collapsing to the sofa in the living room. If it takes me to shower for the fourth time in a day, I will do just that to clean her up.

HE: Well.. does she? Is it really a must to get that drunk everytime she goes out? My husband goes to man nights' out with his friends at sports bar and get himself drunk sometimes, but he knows when to stop, which is good...

HE: Good for you. I don't really know why she has to be, I've told her off a few times before, you know. But maybe is just the setting, the limit is that she still knows how to come back home and be able to open the door with the right keys!... *conversation continues*

Which really, is not too difficult, right? So long as between friends, the frequency matches, like what I always say. Straight people could love 'The L Word' to death, just like any gay people who loves 'Ally McBeal' to death. They could, of course identify themselves with any characters in the drama, and it does not have to stand out into the sterotypical 'sub-culture identification' kind of way.

Drop the identification, or self-identification, and just say that I am in love with somebody. This, I think, should ultimately be what I am looking for, and should NEVER be of difference to any human beings seeking love in another human being.

Just. Really, just make be normal. Don't hold put a logo, or identify icons, or mark places with flags like it is another country. And, most importantly of all, it should NEVER be of any topic to debate in politics or religions, okay?

Tell me again, why should be gay be ever so different that people on the subway would look at you like you are not wearing a shred of cloth on your body?

Situation Messed Up

And again, my life is in a mess. Nothing much, just in term of relationships, and it's not even love I am talking about here. So today, I wanted to ask good friend A if I could just stay over at her place for the night because I will meet another friend B for dinner in Manhattan and probably not be able to catch the last bus back home, and since I will be going with Friend A to the wine tour in the morning, in Manhattan, it sounds reasonable. Going to Manhattan, returning back to Jersey and coming back again in the morning is not the best option I can have.

So, I asked Friend A what she was doing on Friday evening and told her I will be meeting a friend in mid-town. Then came the question 'I am not sure on Friday, so, are you inviting me there?‘... No, I wasn't. Seriously I was embarrassed about it that she asked this question and didn't know how to respond. Like saying 'Oh no,..' doesn't sound correct at all... and of course, it will be embarrassing for her as well I am sure. I wasn't about to do that to her.

In the end, I paused for a while, then directly told her is because the Saturday, since I will be going out with her to the wine tour, it might be easier for me to bunk at her place for the night and then go together in the morning.... totally skipping the part about her question to invite her for the dinner on Friday evening. I intended it to be a separate thing. Indirectly, really, telling her 'erm.. not.. not actually, I just want to bunk at your place for the night instead... would you mind?'... Of course she would mind, my goodness. She definitely got this not-subtle hint about it, for sure. She didn't ask anymore... and she started explaining the place is really in a mess because of some big cardboard stuff standing in the way of her very small studio apartment etc. etc.

Seriously, she is a very very good and dear friend to me, I would love to invite her for the dinner together, if is not that I had seriously hope that to do something out of ordinary towards Friend B, I would definitely love her to come together and had a great night out... I know is embarrassing. In the end, of course, she sort of outright rejected me to bunk at her place, so I gave up. I do not blame her in any sense, is really me. Moreover, is just inconvenient for her I'm sure, not excuses that she doesn't want me to stay. Definitely not just because I hinted that she assumed I am asking her to join for Friday's dinner.

Really, certain things happened altogether at such timing that situations turned embarrassing to all parties involved. It certainly will not affect anything (I hope) with this small episode in life. However, it does reminds me, the stark embarrassment of certain actions or words that I speak brings about the misunderstanding. No matter how close the relationship you have with the other party. It also teaches me, once again, the importance of clear, no ambiguity communication skills that I really lack in personal life. One thing for sure is that this is not the first time and I do not think it will be the last time for me, probably nor for anyone who is as sensitive to realise this.

Still... very confused

Don't know if this is call a crush, but seems that I have to go facebook everyday at least once to see the photos of her that I've seen like 10 times before and to find that she is so beautiful when she smiles..

I hope to see her again, maybe more like to confirm about what I am feeling now. It feels so much like those お宅 or pervert stalkers, the things that I am doing now... and I disgust myself a lot at ridiculous thoughts and imaginations. Maybe... I am not sort of in love, but just sick in the mind like what those perverts might be thinking... abnormal, compulsive obsession... is an indication of illness at the mind, due to.. lack of communication with outside world and a problem in expressing emotions... probably...

Life still goes on as normal... sort of living a double life now.. going out with people that I don't really like, and thinking about going out with people whom I really do care but never really asked them out. Sorry for ignoring the real friends who are in need. Probably one of the reason why I can never make good friends, all my priorities are wrong in personal life and relationship.

Hopefully I don't make more mistakes and then reproach my inferior self more to remind what kinda maggot I really am. Hopefully I don't waste more time trying to figure out somethings that I just cannot pick up the courage to risk it. If my life is worth nothing, that's probably because I didn't try anything. To a certain extend, I deserve what I am now.

I want to write and learn more, but I get stuck in other things that are of unimportance. Let's see how far this can go on. Sometimes, I wonder if I need a certain catastrophe to wake me up and push to me start moving forward. Then again, staying on the too safe side sorts of reduces this possibility to a 10%. Irony.

Overall after all the bullshit, I hope to get out of this crush fast and move on with life. I hate it when I have to suffer this kinda I-don't-know what you described feeling and can tell no one about it except to really bite my teeth real hard and bear with it till it slowly goes away. Is like... some illness that no medication will help but time to slowly heal this agony.

Please please, go away. I wanna see you again so much but I know I cannot do anything although I probably imagined a million things in my mind already, yet is not even of any sexual encounters that arouses me at all. Ah, whatever, I just want to get on with life and feel fulfilled and satisfied instead of empty and lonely and more lost than ever.

Too deep in thoughts about nothingness

Perhaps that's what I have always been painfully fearful about. That one day, I would realize, after years of life passed, the truth about myself and what I have been desperately searching for are what I already have known. Yet I would have, by then, wasted all the precious time, the precious life searching for it.

I hope that time and space itself would have mercy on me to provide a combination of situation, of which I would call that a miracle, to present the truth of life and living it to me soon enough that I do not feel the time have taken too much away from life itself. It is indeed strange, to explain feelings I've felt that probably did not fit into the vocabulary I have learned. It is perhaps, even stranger, to learn of words that expresses feelings and emotions, and try to learn certain emotions that emerges from the heart and to put that word of description as it is. How is it, to truly understand, what the words describes should be exactly of what I am feeling? Is it that, what I am feeling right now, is melancholy emptiness? Of something that is sad, or sorrowful and of confusion? How is this described? Or will it be that the common understanding of words would be so powerful to have another being learn and feel what you are feeling exactly? Or would it be the body that will somehow tell another body of the feelings and that, would somehow make another being feel the exact same emotions of sadness, happiness, emptiness and loneliness?

What should it be now? To search for truth in life, to learn words for the feelings, and to understand, this feeling of emptiness and of loss to nowhere? It's like the heart is out there, somewhere, too vast to even know directions and where to begin and to even understand that there should be a ending? Is it this that I am trying to find? Or is it this that have found me and put me where I am now, leaving time and space to slowly take away life itself till the very end? Life is going to end, and that, if is the truth of life and living itself, what is the meaning of searching to something that is already presented at my very face?