How is it That I Cannot Get Through Self-loathe

I don't know if I am still suffering or what. Sometimes I feel I could move on without any problems anymore, then the next second something happens and I thought I was not forgetting things that I should have.

It's weird, and the best part of it, is still the very doubt that I have in mind about liking someone. I would not even say this has anything to do with love. I strongly believe love can only happen between 2 parties, that has know each other well, well enough that you are ready to accept anything you may dislike about each other. This such strong feelings, I really doubt myself to be able to accept it at all.

I am not very passionate, and tend to consciously and sub-consciously withdraw myself out from a lot of things. Which is probably why the reason I do not quite accept myself to be someone that processes information with the heart. However, this does not seem to prevent myself from falling into someone like every so often, and probably I am still denying if this 'falling into someone' is of any significance to me at all.

It is confusing, for someone who doubts even her own feelings towards anyone else, to find someone to like and love. Even more so, to even start liking her own self. Yet, this very self-lock problem is causing all the unbearable loneliness in the heart, and it turns into a vicious cycle of want to open to someone because of pure loneliness, yet not able to do so, because of problems to open up to someone, and that is really the contributing factor towards more loneliness.

Writing this, I am starting to hate myself for every thought I have in mind right now. Sometimes I feel probably this is what everyone goes through, and if you cannot endure this long self-tormenting ritual, the line will just snap and you go crazy. For people who are really successful, they probably somehow manage to channel this sort of crazy energy into some else (like inventions, arts) to express themselves. This saves them from being berserk to borderline craziness, to which is termed as eccentric.

I wish I could do something like that, at least this saves me from the insane question to myself of constantly thinking of someone, and still doubt if I do like her at all. Nice.