Still... very confused

Don't know if this is call a crush, but seems that I have to go facebook everyday at least once to see the photos of her that I've seen like 10 times before and to find that she is so beautiful when she smiles..

I hope to see her again, maybe more like to confirm about what I am feeling now. It feels so much like those お宅 or pervert stalkers, the things that I am doing now... and I disgust myself a lot at ridiculous thoughts and imaginations. Maybe... I am not sort of in love, but just sick in the mind like what those perverts might be thinking... abnormal, compulsive obsession... is an indication of illness at the mind, due to.. lack of communication with outside world and a problem in expressing emotions... probably...

Life still goes on as normal... sort of living a double life now.. going out with people that I don't really like, and thinking about going out with people whom I really do care but never really asked them out. Sorry for ignoring the real friends who are in need. Probably one of the reason why I can never make good friends, all my priorities are wrong in personal life and relationship.

Hopefully I don't make more mistakes and then reproach my inferior self more to remind what kinda maggot I really am. Hopefully I don't waste more time trying to figure out somethings that I just cannot pick up the courage to risk it. If my life is worth nothing, that's probably because I didn't try anything. To a certain extend, I deserve what I am now.

I want to write and learn more, but I get stuck in other things that are of unimportance. Let's see how far this can go on. Sometimes, I wonder if I need a certain catastrophe to wake me up and push to me start moving forward. Then again, staying on the too safe side sorts of reduces this possibility to a 10%. Irony.

Overall after all the bullshit, I hope to get out of this crush fast and move on with life. I hate it when I have to suffer this kinda I-don't-know what you described feeling and can tell no one about it except to really bite my teeth real hard and bear with it till it slowly goes away. Is like... some illness that no medication will help but time to slowly heal this agony.

Please please, go away. I wanna see you again so much but I know I cannot do anything although I probably imagined a million things in my mind already, yet is not even of any sexual encounters that arouses me at all. Ah, whatever, I just want to get on with life and feel fulfilled and satisfied instead of empty and lonely and more lost than ever.