About the L Word, Final Episode

I don't know what I should really start with. So, let's say, there's probably a reason why I am not into American tv series. Not because they are not interesting, but endings are just absurd, or can be absurd sometimes. Most of the times. I don't know. I guess, I haven't really watched that many American dramas to support my judgement, but at least, most of those that I've watched, especially the long ones with more than 2 seasons, gets worst by each season and ends with a bad finale. Really bad finale.

Speaking from less than 2 hours ago, I finally finished watching (and downloading), the finale season of The L Word. Which, I should say, is disappointing, in my awe and astonishment, to be even realized that this is the ending episode. So many things unexplained, so many mysteries not solved, and so many characters that just went missing. It looks like, erm, okay girls, this is the last and we only have 50 minutes to wrap this up.

I mean look, just, do it properly. You've earned such a big base of fans that spread out of the U.S., and you do this as a season finale? I couldn't even feel that this is the ending at all. I was really looking for another episode as a finale. Not realizing that this is the last. The 'last' episode was too heavy, too moody. Half of the time being too random, and the other half just looks like is a tribute to this whole series that last 6 seasons, 5 years. You don't have people in interrogation telling you about their own feelings and recalling things that probably didn't have any link to the case being investigated all. Well, except for the fact that of course, Jenny Scheter was in the picture. It seems too difficult to pull this together and tries (but failed) to wrap this whole series nicely. A job badly done, and totally unjustified all the support gathered from previous episodes.

I hate it when after watching a drama that you felt empty and sad. It doesn't necessary have to be a good ending but it needs to be a fufilling ending. By fufilling, you know that all that needs explanation is explained. Or at least, given partial explanation and the next to leave to viewers' imagination. And not, definitely, leaving us, the faithful fans to be confused and totally flipping over the couch, and wondering what the hell is the last episode about. Seriously. It doesn't matter, content doesn't matter, it seems everything is just a setup, a plot to explain nothing. Probably to explain all the randomness just to make sure that Jenny dies.? I don't know. Hopefully, the movie, if there is ever going to be any, will give a good wrap up that we can call it the Last Episode.

Trying Out The Lyrics

Too near
You are too near me
Stay away
I don't wanna be drawn to you

You and I know
It might be too late to realize
Although we try to save each other
Something is drawing both of us too near

Was it the heart beat that I heard
Was it when you wrinkled your nose a little
Was it the blood rush to my head
Was it when you casually touched me at the hand

Desire to stop looking at you
Yet temptation seems too much to resist
You are the devil
Drawing me closer to hell

Yet I want to be in your world
And I want you in mine too

You and I know
It might be too late to realize
Although we try to save each other
Something is drawing both of us too near

Was it the heart beat that I heard
Was it when you wrinkled your nose a little
Was it the blood rush to my head
Was it when you casually touched me at the hand

I think we can be a little bit closer
Just a little bit more
Comforting each other
And not to hurt the balance
Just a little bit more

Eternity

I hate the word eternity. I guess to hate is too strong, do not like is a better word to describe it. The fact that nothing can be eternity, this word is almost impossible. Why would a word as such ever be spoken, or known?

Why would we have eternity? Why would we even have the thought of eternity? Everything fades off eventually, plants, trees, human, the earth. What, other than nothing would be eternal, then? Why dream and promise and speak of eternity. Changes are happening, nothing is kept constant. The only constant is change itself, which is not constant by itself.

Thus, eternity, is only a spoken word that poses no meaning. Don't say you love someone eternally, because your love is going to change as you do. When you die, your emotions too, the heart stops beating, your brain stops working, your body stops moving, how can you show your love? Life is not eternal, so are emotions. Memories only work in the minds of the living, and stops when there are none living.

There is nothing that does not end, thus there is nothing such as eternity. However much you may want to believe that something is going to be there forever, there are nothing that will stay. Rocks will be eroded. Rivers will run dry. Mountains will wear down. Plants will die, so will the animals and people.

When everything is reduced to dust and dust to nothingness, what is there to speak of that will be eternity? Probably the space and emptiness; which really tells you nothing is eternal.

Eternity is a dream, is a word to heavy to use. An abusive word to promise when you know nothing will be eternal. That's why I don't like the word eternity. And do not think of that as a word as well, the present is more important to think or promise something that are not even present and will be future.

I Longed For Someone Too Much

我太過嚮往愛情, 是否因爲如此, 讓我變得錯了. 否定自己喜歡的對象, 或者開始限制自己理想的對象. 以前喜歡上太容易, 現在喜歡反而變得難了. 條件, 限制, 甚至有點勉強自己尋找'對的'人.

不自然, 愛情應該不會來, 更甚者, 讓自己誤會了. 催眠自己喜歡上一個人, 但是真正是愛情嗎? 我只想settle down, 不要太多花招, 但是人不僞裝, 就像沒有包裝的物品, 不會有人買. 就算真的有人需要, 也不會第一時間被吸引.

尋找愛情不容易, 不是拼了命就找得到. 總是在最沒有防備的時候出現, 只等有緣人.

妳, 在哪裏? 是否在身邊? 而我, 卻寂寞地等待著已經在身邊的愛情.

我想認識妳

看到妳拍的照片很有感覺。我想知道，你在拍這些照片的時候在想什麽，看到的是否就是我從妳照片看到的？一種很有旅人的感覺，一種嚮往著浪漫簡單的生活。單純的，美麗的。放大無限的平凡，所以不平凡。

找不到這樣子的感覺，所以我想認識妳，了解如何看這世界。

A Sudden Rush of Inspiration, During Office Hours... I...

It was too much, I couldn't take it anymore and typed down this whole chunk of words... expressing my emotions and morbidly trying to calm myself down.

am i in self-denial
of who this is what i am
partially hoping that ignoring
would bring about a better person
desperately longing for the warmth
of another one, yet forgetting that this warmth is created by sharing
and giving and sacrificing your own

the spirit tells me that I am alone
not because no one is with me
but because i am not with myself
i have wandered too far, too deep
and lost myself in trying to find others
in trying not to be, yet i got more of it
the loneliness monster

the more i want to get rid of the space between
me and myself, the more void i have created
the more i want to fill up the emptiness
the more i felt the emptiness unfufilled

through the journey of self-exploration
is the fear of knowing that the end is reached
and the wall that wrote the answer
is something that i've always known
too deep thus will the dissappointment be
that i walk through slowly and painfully
and yet yearning as i get nearer, the answer casted
in stone would change and fade
that time slowly erodes clarity and sanity to the truth
that i am only but a lonely and lost human being

Recollection

A recollection of the list of idols that I really liked. I think that gives a clue to the 'type' of girls that really makes my jumps.

In summary, feminine-looking, long hair, beautiful beautiful beautiful that also translates to very very handsome dyke, acting in a not-so feminine character (aka little bit of dyke):

Let's start with the latest:

Isabella Leong (梁洛施):
She is both a man and lady killer.


Manami Konishi (小西真奈美):
So sweet that ants are attracted to her, but she her cold dyke side brings shivers down your spine.

Faith Yang (楊乃文):
Cold, defiant characters make her unapproachable and unbelievable attractive.



Gong Li (鞏俐):
A beauty that defined a whole generation of people from east to west. Who can not know her?

To be continued...

失落

在Facebook看到了她的status change, 戀愛中. 我知道我喜歡她, 真正看到有女朋友了感覺是失落的. 畢竟她是第一個親我的女生, 雖然我知道她只是flirt, 並沒有喜歡成分在裏面. 如果不是有點喜歡, 自己不會和她接吻的. 就是因爲知道這一點, 所以才會失落吧.

衷心祝福是一定的, 不過可能不會再見面了. 想到這裡就覺得寂寞, 好像如果沒有什麽, 連朋友都做不成了. 雖然我不知道想要她只是朋友或者更多, 只是覺得如果只是朋友也不錯. 沒有勇氣, 更不確定自己的立場所以沒有追求. 不是我的也不能怪她. 只能是自己不積極, 錯過機會. 我相信喜歡不時突然, 兩個人在一起有感覺就要打鐵趁熱, 拖了失去機會, 她當然不可能等一輩子, 畢竟先喜歡上的是我.

前天朋友說了, 除非確定, 不然很難找到喜歡的對象. 其實我也知道, 自己如果沒有決定, 是不會主動的. 雖然喜歡, 但是對未來我還沒有決定該怎麽走. 無奈自己的性格如此, 也只能頂住寂寞, 繼續羡慕別人的幸福了.

突發的靈感

愛, 在你看到以前, 像流星一樣瞬間不見. 還沒來得及反應, 就從你身邊消失
愛, 在你看到以前, 像彗星一樣瞬間掉落. 還沒來得及反應, 就在你身上落下
愛, 計算不來, 幾率卻存在
愛, 沒有程式, 答案也未必

想想我還是不能像寫作的人一樣純熟地寫出能感人的故事.

101 Friends

Today logged into Facebook as usual, after a whole day of work on Friday, reached home at 10 plus.

Was really tired and felt very lonely on a Friday night, I had promised an acquaintance for wine-tasting party but couldn't make it because of work. Suspected it was sub-consciously refusal to go as well because I was really tired.

So due to work, I was alone at 10 plus on a Friday night, blogging hard.

Back to Facebook. I checked and found that I have 101 friends connected in total. I have passed the 100 mark by one. Not a bad result, reflecting that I am really like what my friend thought, sociable within these few years to almost unbelievable. This 101 probably reflected it.

I've always liked 101. Basic, simple. Yup, perhaps all these 101 friends are just simple friends and family. Or rather, the basic essential of my life. I come to think, exactly how many of these 101 are true, or necessary. I hope 101 friends marks something in my life, having friends from different places, countries and backgrounds. This is an achievement, proud to say that most of them I have come across at any part of my life. Camping, School, Work, Travel, Random. They represent a part of me and my life, each one knows a little of me. And I hope that years later, I can gather from these friends, a complete part of me and my journey in life.