明天，睡到爽. 別人的事情，不管. 繼續糜爛墮落，反正是周末. 就算是浪費生命，也是對周日過渡工作的自己一種慰勞.
家裏亂地像被打槍幾回了，但是沒有人來，亂了也只給自己看. 然後說: ''狗窩就要要有狗窩的樣子嘛''. 繼續放縱自己的懶惰... 理所當然.
迷惘，就算不嗑葯都已經是呈現半混沌狀，每天過著沒有記憶的時間，今天和昨天一樣，明天也應該不會有太大的不同. 方正時間與青春都是不知覺地在流逝，偶爾回首過去的光陰，只要欺騙自己已經盡力了, 就不會有遺憾.
然後以後的每一天，告訴自己積極，卻又讓現實成了惰性的藉口.
我的人生，你的人生，每天在找尋，活著的意義，呼吸的理由. 清晨的陽光是那樣的刺眼，對愛困的眼睛是一種折磨，卻是對心裏呼喚生命又從新的開始了.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
...
秋天的一個星期六，中午12.56分. FB裏online的都是新加坡的朋友, 紐約的人好像都出去了,儘管天氣有點陰霾. 想著等一會兒要開車去紐約還是坐公車, 好像都拿不定主意... 煩. 呆在家裏寂寞,有人約又懶得出門... 真是矛盾.
好害怕冬天又是自己一個人. 但是好像來到這裡之後從來就是一個人, 可能是少了溫度, 渴望有人的體溫讓自己覺得溫暖一點吧. 夏天的寂寞可以走在街上漫無目的地晃過, 冬天就只能呆在家裏看著電視慢慢熬過.
不知道今年的冬天會不會像去年一樣, 以爲自己的愛情, 在約會三次之後就揮手而去,連個解釋都沒有. 然後時間慢慢過去之後就告訴自己是寂寞產生愛情的錯覺, 因爲畢竟從來就沒有很認識對方. 然後尋找下一個目標.
冬天是一年的總結,在冷冷的天氣裏想著自己的一切. 好像都沒有什麽作爲. sigh. That's why I do not like winter, although I am trying hard to make it different this year.
好害怕冬天又是自己一個人. 但是好像來到這裡之後從來就是一個人, 可能是少了溫度, 渴望有人的體溫讓自己覺得溫暖一點吧. 夏天的寂寞可以走在街上漫無目的地晃過, 冬天就只能呆在家裏看著電視慢慢熬過.
不知道今年的冬天會不會像去年一樣, 以爲自己的愛情, 在約會三次之後就揮手而去,連個解釋都沒有. 然後時間慢慢過去之後就告訴自己是寂寞產生愛情的錯覺, 因爲畢竟從來就沒有很認識對方. 然後尋找下一個目標.
冬天是一年的總結,在冷冷的天氣裏想著自己的一切. 好像都沒有什麽作爲. sigh. That's why I do not like winter, although I am trying hard to make it different this year.
Friday, October 23, 2009
My Winter Resolution
So, I have decided to set another resolution after my many years ago of achievement. I call it the winter resolution 2009. To learn ice-skating by this winter!.. dang dang dang....~~ Did not dare to write it in another blog for the fear of failing and publicly made known to my friends, but I think I have already said to enough friends offline. Still, another one hopefully is to find someone I really love, although I must say this is 可遇不可求.
My friend has said that if I try to be more proactive, then there is a higher chance of success. Do not know about that, but wonder if this 'try really hard' works, why are there still so many people who cannot find true love and fails once too many times to capture the heart of their love ones and find their 'happily ever after'?
So this one fine day, and the successive 3 days, I met this guy at the canteen and we did a little bit of chat. He is kinda cute, and the 3rd time I saw him my heart gave way and pumped a little bit too fast. Strange that I did not feel it the first 2 times I saw him. Unfortunately I never did see him again, although I did want to for his name.
Thinking back, I think it was kinda unnecessary, maybe it will be love, maybe it will not be. If it is meant to be, the next time I see him, I will ask for his name then. But for now, I will leave it. Peace.
This season is so romantic I feel that is time for love.
My friend has said that if I try to be more proactive, then there is a higher chance of success. Do not know about that, but wonder if this 'try really hard' works, why are there still so many people who cannot find true love and fails once too many times to capture the heart of their love ones and find their 'happily ever after'?
So this one fine day, and the successive 3 days, I met this guy at the canteen and we did a little bit of chat. He is kinda cute, and the 3rd time I saw him my heart gave way and pumped a little bit too fast. Strange that I did not feel it the first 2 times I saw him. Unfortunately I never did see him again, although I did want to for his name.
Thinking back, I think it was kinda unnecessary, maybe it will be love, maybe it will not be. If it is meant to be, the next time I see him, I will ask for his name then. But for now, I will leave it. Peace.
This season is so romantic I feel that is time for love.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Day of My Life, Just Another Episode on Driving
I don't even know where or how to begin this. 2 tickets in 2 weeks, one speeding, the other, parking.
I am speechless. Condolences to myself and I suspect I am not even going to get the full license after all this. I guess my luck with driving has been used up, after driving a maximum of 95 miles per hour on the highway and average of around 85 miles per hour throughout the whole 8-hour journey.
Like seriously, I never really expect my life to be like that. Given that I am a control freak. Things changed after coming over here and I guess I gave myself a little too much leeway and got comfortable with the devil inside acting out the thoughts and stuff.
Oh well, just another day of trying to make some drama out of the mundane life I guess.
On all this, lesson learnt is to speed carefully (speeding ticket) and do not be forgetful to drop that few quarters (parking ticket).
One thing I should say to be lucky is probably the cops did not do a breath analyzer test on me. I guess that is the last bit of luck left in me that is used up.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
How is it That I Cannot Get Through Self-loathe
I don't know if I am still suffering or what. Sometimes I feel I could move on without any problems anymore, then the next second something happens and I thought I was not forgetting things that I should have.
It's weird, and the best part of it, is still the very doubt that I have in mind about liking someone. I would not even say this has anything to do with love. I strongly believe love can only happen between 2 parties, that has know each other well, well enough that you are ready to accept anything you may dislike about each other. This such strong feelings, I really doubt myself to be able to accept it at all.
I am not very passionate, and tend to consciously and sub-consciously withdraw myself out from a lot of things. Which is probably why the reason I do not quite accept myself to be someone that processes information with the heart. However, this does not seem to prevent myself from falling into someone like every so often, and probably I am still denying if this 'falling into someone' is of any significance to me at all.
It is confusing, for someone who doubts even her own feelings towards anyone else, to find someone to like and love. Even more so, to even start liking her own self. Yet, this very self-lock problem is causing all the unbearable loneliness in the heart, and it turns into a vicious cycle of want to open to someone because of pure loneliness, yet not able to do so, because of problems to open up to someone, and that is really the contributing factor towards more loneliness.
Writing this, I am starting to hate myself for every thought I have in mind right now. Sometimes I feel probably this is what everyone goes through, and if you cannot endure this long self-tormenting ritual, the line will just snap and you go crazy. For people who are really successful, they probably somehow manage to channel this sort of crazy energy into some else (like inventions, arts) to express themselves. This saves them from being berserk to borderline craziness, to which is termed as eccentric.
I wish I could do something like that, at least this saves me from the insane question to myself of constantly thinking of someone, and still doubt if I do like her at all. Nice.
It's weird, and the best part of it, is still the very doubt that I have in mind about liking someone. I would not even say this has anything to do with love. I strongly believe love can only happen between 2 parties, that has know each other well, well enough that you are ready to accept anything you may dislike about each other. This such strong feelings, I really doubt myself to be able to accept it at all.
I am not very passionate, and tend to consciously and sub-consciously withdraw myself out from a lot of things. Which is probably why the reason I do not quite accept myself to be someone that processes information with the heart. However, this does not seem to prevent myself from falling into someone like every so often, and probably I am still denying if this 'falling into someone' is of any significance to me at all.
It is confusing, for someone who doubts even her own feelings towards anyone else, to find someone to like and love. Even more so, to even start liking her own self. Yet, this very self-lock problem is causing all the unbearable loneliness in the heart, and it turns into a vicious cycle of want to open to someone because of pure loneliness, yet not able to do so, because of problems to open up to someone, and that is really the contributing factor towards more loneliness.
Writing this, I am starting to hate myself for every thought I have in mind right now. Sometimes I feel probably this is what everyone goes through, and if you cannot endure this long self-tormenting ritual, the line will just snap and you go crazy. For people who are really successful, they probably somehow manage to channel this sort of crazy energy into some else (like inventions, arts) to express themselves. This saves them from being berserk to borderline craziness, to which is termed as eccentric.
I wish I could do something like that, at least this saves me from the insane question to myself of constantly thinking of someone, and still doubt if I do like her at all. Nice.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I Do Not Belong to any Subculture
I have never felt that I was gay in any way for once. The meaning of gay has sort of turned people who love people of the same gender into some sort of sub-culture thing and might just die away with the trend, once the mainstream no longer adopts this and thinks this as 'cool'.
Because, being gay is not about cool, dressing differently or not conforming to societal standard (I know this is debatable, which really raises the question of what is 'societal standard' for love). It is not like being into Gothic, dressing differently in any sense. I do not dress differently from normal people, do not have very differing or radical views about politics, religions, nor do I speak differently or act different because I hate the society, the majorities and what they are doing. I do not live a different lifestyle than any other normal single, working, middle incomers. I hold on and dearly respect authority and any good system in place in the world now.
I do not 'identify' myself with group of people who love the 'The L Word', and some even tried to identify themselves with the characters or their relationship from this drama. The reason is really because I do not identify myself with people who love Ally McBeal, or Closer, or any other dramas that I am addicted to as well.
Loving people from the same gender should never be anything that needs to be 'identified' or 'grouped'. Just like heterosexual never really identify themselves as being heterosexual. That is what it is. It should be normal.
In my ideal world, homo and heterosexual (no, the words are not in preferential order) should always be able to discuss relationships together. The 'ideal' conversation between a married heterosexual and homosexual should be like this...
HE (Heterosexual female), HO (Homosexual female)
HE: ... but I just cannot stand my husband for leaving out his smelly socks on the floor, just like that. He should just throw it into the laundry directly, after taking it off! Oh...
HO: Oh yes, it's gross isn't it? I cannot stand smell in the house. Everytime when my wife is drunk from her social gathering and stuff, I made her go bathe first before even collapsing to the sofa in the living room. If it takes me to shower for the fourth time in a day, I will do just that to clean her up.
HE: Well.. does she? Is it really a must to get that drunk everytime she goes out? My husband goes to man nights' out with his friends at sports bar and get himself drunk sometimes, but he knows when to stop, which is good...
HE: Good for you. I don't really know why she has to be, I've told her off a few times before, you know. But maybe is just the setting, the limit is that she still knows how to come back home and be able to open the door with the right keys!... *conversation continues*
Which really, is not too difficult, right? So long as between friends, the frequency matches, like what I always say. Straight people could love 'The L Word' to death, just like any gay people who loves 'Ally McBeal' to death. They could, of course identify themselves with any characters in the drama, and it does not have to stand out into the sterotypical 'sub-culture identification' kind of way.
Drop the identification, or self-identification, and just say that I am in love with somebody. This, I think, should ultimately be what I am looking for, and should NEVER be of difference to any human beings seeking love in another human being.
Just. Really, just make be normal. Don't hold put a logo, or identify icons, or mark places with flags like it is another country. And, most importantly of all, it should NEVER be of any topic to debate in politics or religions, okay?
Tell me again, why should be gay be ever so different that people on the subway would look at you like you are not wearing a shred of cloth on your body?
Because, being gay is not about cool, dressing differently or not conforming to societal standard (I know this is debatable, which really raises the question of what is 'societal standard' for love). It is not like being into Gothic, dressing differently in any sense. I do not dress differently from normal people, do not have very differing or radical views about politics, religions, nor do I speak differently or act different because I hate the society, the majorities and what they are doing. I do not live a different lifestyle than any other normal single, working, middle incomers. I hold on and dearly respect authority and any good system in place in the world now.
I do not 'identify' myself with group of people who love the 'The L Word', and some even tried to identify themselves with the characters or their relationship from this drama. The reason is really because I do not identify myself with people who love Ally McBeal, or Closer, or any other dramas that I am addicted to as well.
Loving people from the same gender should never be anything that needs to be 'identified' or 'grouped'. Just like heterosexual never really identify themselves as being heterosexual. That is what it is. It should be normal.
In my ideal world, homo and heterosexual (no, the words are not in preferential order) should always be able to discuss relationships together. The 'ideal' conversation between a married heterosexual and homosexual should be like this...
HE (Heterosexual female), HO (Homosexual female)
HE: ... but I just cannot stand my husband for leaving out his smelly socks on the floor, just like that. He should just throw it into the laundry directly, after taking it off! Oh...
HO: Oh yes, it's gross isn't it? I cannot stand smell in the house. Everytime when my wife is drunk from her social gathering and stuff, I made her go bathe first before even collapsing to the sofa in the living room. If it takes me to shower for the fourth time in a day, I will do just that to clean her up.
HE: Well.. does she? Is it really a must to get that drunk everytime she goes out? My husband goes to man nights' out with his friends at sports bar and get himself drunk sometimes, but he knows when to stop, which is good...
HE: Good for you. I don't really know why she has to be, I've told her off a few times before, you know. But maybe is just the setting, the limit is that she still knows how to come back home and be able to open the door with the right keys!... *conversation continues*
Which really, is not too difficult, right? So long as between friends, the frequency matches, like what I always say. Straight people could love 'The L Word' to death, just like any gay people who loves 'Ally McBeal' to death. They could, of course identify themselves with any characters in the drama, and it does not have to stand out into the sterotypical 'sub-culture identification' kind of way.
Drop the identification, or self-identification, and just say that I am in love with somebody. This, I think, should ultimately be what I am looking for, and should NEVER be of difference to any human beings seeking love in another human being.
Just. Really, just make be normal. Don't hold put a logo, or identify icons, or mark places with flags like it is another country. And, most importantly of all, it should NEVER be of any topic to debate in politics or religions, okay?
Tell me again, why should be gay be ever so different that people on the subway would look at you like you are not wearing a shred of cloth on your body?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)