Revelation

I'm smoking in front of the balcony on a beautiful 70 degrees Sunday... Gotta get some workout later on, go to the city for a concert in the evening and hoping to get a date to go with me...

I think I have gotten over it. And, one thing for sure, I love staying in the States. Not so much the city, but because I saw a couple of green birds flying happily across the street and then some jumping squirrels on the trees. Weird. As much as Singapore is a great and clean city, it is seldom where I still see a part of nature that blends with it. Trees were planted, but even this closest thing to nature was carefully controlled by the government, because space is just too precious in the city-state.

So anyway, set aside the inspiration of flying birds, greedy squirrels running around. The space and freedom that I feel constantly after living here for 2 years, tells me that this is what I've always wanted. At least in a few years down the road, I'm not ready to go back.

My heart's been somewhat broken with the girl I dated 2 times recently.. She still has not called. I am slowly letting go and pursing someone else more worthy. I see life as it comes and I want to work hard to live the way I want.

I hope by the time I'm 30 (which is pretty soon!), I want to be more confident than who I am now, not losing the goodness of what I have, but more confident in telling people who I really am. Who cares if I smoke more than I used, who cares if I'm just checking out girls with beautiful faces and sexy asses, who cares if I'm also into younger women.

If this is called sorted out, then I think at this moment, I'm happy... before I see myself going into another period of 'shittiness' and feel I'm not worthy of the world; at least I know I can handle life's challenges and be happy after that again.

Revelation does not come like a bolt of lightning that strikes you, or that ray of sun coming out from the cloudy sky. It is slow and gradual, sometimes you work your shit out, then sometimes you don't. But every single step that you take overcoming everyday is towards knowing who you really, what you really want. This is wisdom, I think. And that, comes with age and time.

A Perfect Date...

In a long time... Or rather for the first time. It was really great. Almost perfect, if is not for the fact that I absolutely do not know how to take hints and totally missed a great opportunity to bring it one step further...

Guess is just me. But then, not a bad idea to take it slow, right? *Trying to convince myself so I stop feeling like a fool.*.. Sigh..

I am so looking forward the next time I meet her again... Right now I just wanna scream happily now. I was smiling myself back home, literally. :D :D :D

I think I am crazy... but happy to be crazy. haha..

Guess all fools that are falling in love are pretty happy to be crazy... I'm starting to understand a little now.

Random

I saw you,
through my window to your balcony.
You were smoking alone. Smiling,
Probably at some thoughts that you were having.

I don't know you, but for the moment,
I thought I saw your barest soul, when
you are all alone, smoking by the balcony.

I saw you,
and I know that you smoke 2 cigarettes in the
late evening consecutively.
Sometimes you look out over to the sky.
I looked up, and saw the same stars.

I saw you,
through my window to your balcony.
and I know that you are lonely,
for you were smiling, and wiping tears
off your face.

I don't know you,
but for the moment, I saw your loneliness,
and I share the same feelings that you are
all alone, fragile, and as naked like you were
born to this earth.

I saw you,
and I know, you have friends and parties.
But after all that's gone, you were smoking
alone at the balcony.

Sometimes I think you looked straight at me,
and I towards you.
But we both share the comfort and safety
of the distance between us.
Comfortable enough, to look straight at each other,
and probably share a smile too.

The comfort, of probably knowing at the other side of the building,
somone, sharing a moment in time, and the two souls touched.

My Dearest Fucking Life

應該不是很差，但是就是不知道在憂鬱什麽。無事嘆春秋。。。 因爲還有未完成的夢？與或是不敢面對，真正的自己？

我，到底是誰？ 爲什麽如此傷悲？

Blah blah blah

Okay, now with all that caffeine and nicotine saturating my body and calming down my nerves, I think I am ready to blog again.

Not with all that's been happening lately, I kinda slowly but surely feel that I am finally getting hold of myself, at least a little.

I still have my confusion about what I am looking for, in love, career. I do not even know what I should be looking forward to in this life, or just waiting for the time when my biology clock stops ticking. Meanwhile, just doing things to keep boredom and loneliness from eating into my sanity too much.

I guess I am whining, as with all other people who is having a less-than-satisfactory but not exceedingly bad life; no major illness or born-in defect physically/mentally to complete the drama, nor any current events that is shaping history around the globe to participate in.

Things do get spiced up once in a while, and for me, there is a subconsciousness to keep it down to a minimal level. Always be on the safe side, as mama has always said. Keep to your business. If I see a fight, walk away; if anything's too risky, avoid it. Walk on the path that's been walked and proven safe, not step on the thin line that you've seen so many before you done, unsuccessfully, I'll fall down and get hurt. Avoid un-taken approach at all cost... blah blah blah..

So anyway, about this little post of self-whining and magnifying the lost in the city feeling, I would like to add a little positive note. I am not in love, but looking forward to make it happen with somebody. If this is a phase that I have to go through to prove myself, I will take it as a journey to, hopefully, self-discovery of who I really am.

That is perhaps what everyone goes through in life, for me, is just the beginning of a start too late.

An Honest Self Description

1. I take confidence in my work, and the way I work.

2. On the other side, I am trying very hard to get a grip of myself and not let the demon takeover the sanity. So far, I am proud of what I am achieving because I know it could be a lot worse. Imagine getting into drugs and waste the life away.

3. My mind goes frenzy once in a while. The 2 biggest thing I am afraid is being blind, and the fact that I can absolutely understand what it is like to have a snapped mind.

4. I want to so much travel the world, yet right now I am too much of a couch potato who's happy with the life of mundane nine to five 'expatriate' with a pathetic remuneration package. I likened that to what a foreign construction worker is receiving after a hard day's work out in the sun laying bricks.

5. I like to take challenges constantly, physically and mentally. I think each challenge I overcome, I am stronger than who I was before.

6. I get lazy, lack of motivation and just let myself slack in other areas of life. I excuse myself that this is a way to de-stress.

7. The fact I try to push myself harder, because deep inside, I am nothing but a pile of mud.

8. Pessimistic, but I still have hope, and being naive is what gives the hope. Most of the time, I *hope* I am naive and life is all about eating strawberries and getting medicure and pink nail polish and fashionable clothes and rich, handsome boys kissing the hem of my mini-skirt. The only problem in my life, then, would be which rich boy to choose for prom night and if he will be the future father for my kids.

9. I hate to embarrass myself in public, I imagine I would be all classy, intellect, clever, clearheaded and classy with a touch of beauty. The fact is, I am not really. Did I just mention classy twice?? That shows a bit of the muddle-head that I am in reality.

10. I think I will be senile when I grow old, and because I do not want to be old and senile, I am constantly smoking to keep my life span not longer than 70.

11. If I grow old and have cancer, I will not seek medication but redemption. This is in the hope that my third biggest fear will not come true. After death, my conscious is stuck with my rotten body in a coffin till infinity. I will then request that they cremate my body instead of bury it just to be safe.

12. Lastly, I should stop here, because judging by the way this whole thing is going, I am going to let my imagination run wild and scare the daylight out of myself.. oh sorry, is it not night time now?

結局他人の幸せがうらやましくてしかたがない

自分と関係ないことだけど。　一人ぼっちで、毎日このまま過ごして、つまらないんだ。　ですから、ほかの人の生活に興味がある。それで恋のはじめ、別れ、全部関心が高まる。

やはり自分のドラマがないと、別人のドラマは関心がある。少しの楽しさを見つけられて、つまらないの毎日に少し人生の味を加える。ですからテレビのドラマをみるのは盛り上がる。ですから友のこと聞くのは興味がある。

自分の幸せを見つけられず、別人の生活からその部分を感じる。

こういう悲しいともない、ただ生きているだけです。