So I have this dream, and then I thought, I could probably write a book out of it and become famous! I am sure nobody will ever have this idea, not even in their wildest dream (assuming my dream is as wild).

Here goes...

Suzie lives in a small town away from the capital of Brasvick by miles. She is a normal little town girl, having her little doll and her playmate who lives next door. His name is Husch, from the royal Blackwell who served at the court for 5 generations before his great-grand father was banished for alleged treason to this countryside.

This town, came about 80 years ago, established by a group of royals who were rich and affluenced at the time of peace ruled by the beloved King Henri. Thereafter, the crown prince, Josephine, died of a mysterious disease, just about the age of 20. The next crown prince in-line, who succeded after King Henri, was Keagan, the son of Lord Halent, King Henri's cousin.

Now, Keagan was very young and is in the total manipulation by his father, who had the ambition to takeover and feels that the country could be more strong and bigger. He manipulated Keagan and allowed the great army of Valderland to being a plan of invading neighbouring countries in the name of more resources for the expanding population.

This is a time where the subjects who were loyal to King Henri and believed in peace to start opposing the plans and what the now King Keagan would made. But King Keagan would not hear of such, his father has lead him, in these years to understand and appreciate the power of the crown and that no one, not even God, should ever defy him. The ambition to take over the land and create vast riches for people of Valderland.

The conflict lead to, ultimately a turmoil period that eventually set the loyal subjects to be banished away from court, never to be heard of again.

The war has dragged the once rich and pretty country to a harsh one. Lands are no longer fertile as young, strong men from every household were sent to war. There were not enough people to work in the lands anymore. The women, had to learn how to take care of the kids while doing the farm work. When the riches was spent on war, the taxes were collected more higher, and people got poorer.

The once carefree people of Valderland, who once greeted strangers with utmost hospitality sharing their bread and wine, have now became harsh people with such a sour face that milk turned into yogurt at their expression...

Valderland became a dark, glommy country that has lost it's greeneries that almost nobody remembers the time when Henri ruled. Almost. Except for the banished 12 loyal subjects. Legend has it that the 12 exceptional loyal subjects were also generals that protected the country during Henri's rule, from the deserted vast wasteland where the Shovans are.

Shovans are banished wizards, who once wielded mysterious powers to summon all demons and spirits of animals. They were all, once powerful and held in high regards by other countries, but who, has fallen into the trap of dark forces in their heart, the insatiable greed to takeover and rule the world. They were then banished, by reason of treason in the land of nothingness, of deserts, swamps and where the unknown dead were under the ground. They are also, naturally the enemies of Valderland, whom the 12 loyal subjects has faithfully protected the country from.

When they were all banished, they have disappeared, and taken along with them, that same power that could summon all spirits of the world. That same greatness that has protected the country so well, and the countless history and deeds they have done. This, has left the people with no hope and they no longer speak of the greatness but past it down as only legends and myths, that nobody believes any more.

What was unknown to Valderland, and not to King Keagan was that the 12 loyal subjects was not banished to the land of Shovans. Instead, they went far away from the ears of and eyes of the King, and built their own town and lived moderately, keeping the magic to themselves. As years past, they have, lived as honest folks, and the town grew with strangers or travellers that have decided to settle down and it became just like any other town in Valderland.

Things were peaceful and quiet for years then in the town of Brasvick, the fear that King Keagan would find them wore out from the minds of loyals as not even a single soldier has past the town. They have also, many a times, used their powerful magic to protect the town from being discovered and also to grow peacefully in the times of turmoil. More importantly, because the town borders the Wasteland where the Shovans roam, it has prevented the town from being invaded by Shovans.

However, one strange day, the peaceful quiet town suddenly found all the 12 loyal subjects, who were strong and healthy as their bulls in the farm were found dead as stone at their own individual house. This was first discovered by, of course their wives and families. Nobody knew what happened except to discover them being very dead one morning in Spring. It was a mystery that nobody could solve, because there was not a single sign of struggle, as the old coroner has found. There was not a single evidence of grudges against all of them, for they are all well-respected and beloved by all others, and their neighbours. The problem that they were found dead right on their own bed at the same time was a frightening mystery to the village. It was, as the old coroner put it, that their souls decided to leave the body that night.

It was all a strange, and devasting day for the whole of the village. Every person in the village attended the funeral in the cemetry right by the church. The face from each was solem and respectful, the family members were devasted with grief, they hold on to their sons tightly and shed soundless tears. They msytery death that could not be explained did not trigger suspicion within the village, for they all know too well that nobody could do that, given the power they hold.

Now on this day of the funeral, Suzie, the young child who sadly, does not have a family because her mother, a gypsy who travelled and settled in Brasvick had died years ago of a disease. Leaving her with the father of the church who was close friend, and neighbour of Blackwell. She, of course attended the funeral as her father was

Desperado 2... The Mating Season...

Yup, I think I am in a desperado mode. Again. Probably just like some kind of animals that are overdue for the mating season, or rather too eager for the mating season to start.

So, I again spent monies on a dating (different) website, of which, I pessimistically do not see any potential of getting a successful date. This time, the reason was simply the girls out that are too good-looking and way out of the typical stereotype. So, is this the human nature of being suspicious of things when it is too good to be true?

I think it is. So, I now think twice about sending an email because I got too nervous and did not want to sound desperado. This probably triggered my inferiority complex and the more I think I belong to one of the stereotype old woman who are weirdos than being normal, and they are all too good for me thus will not be bothered with whatever pervert emails I send them. Me and me own overly-done act out scenario....

Weird old woman.... Well age does mean something to me, I guess. I hope I will stand proud and confident at age 30, but when I look at my profile and saw the age and myself, I felt left behind by youth itself. "Finally the potion has been used up and what is left is the true ugliness of leftovers of a body that is deserted by youth."

Anyway, the main point, as can see, is this. I am desperate for a relationship, yet unsure of myself at the same time if I can hold on to someone that long. The self-dubious me really makes myself sick, and I do not know how can I fix this. Time does not seem to do the trick since I have been trying for years to overcome it.

If this is something that happens just like being struck by a bolt of lightning, then I wish I will get struck asap. Time is just running out for me to figure out myself.

Always Draw Inspiration From Blogs

Very important. 每每讀完朋友的部落格之後就覺得自己也變得好有靈感。跟之前坐在電腦面前亂寫一通的狀態完全的不一樣...

是不是吸了別人的墨水自己也可以變得好有墨水呢？... 好！拼命吸啊~~

來吧~靈感，墨水，統統給我過來~ 讓我吸個夠！...哈哈哈哈... 好像千年老妖精，吸取人氣讓自己靈感永駐...

Defenseless Against Seduction

Yup, I feel like a teenage who's all innocent and does not know a single thing about the worldly adult world of seductions and flirting.

That is why I am feeling like a pile of shit right now after whatever has happened. That is, to say my first night with a lady.

This is when I am very very sure, one night stand is not for me. That applies to both ladies and gentlemen.

It also further proofs the theory that lonely people tend to do one night stands, and all the more you do it, all the more you are lonely. A terrible cycle which I do not wish to fall into. The end of the cycle, with any stroke of bad luck, will probably end up with HIV infection. This has to be the most wonderful full-stop that men can obtain from the animal, the pervert lust that brought a whole new incurable disease to human beings.

That aside, the experience I have had further confirms that I definitely definitely am up for another again. Although, I do still have my doubts if I am downright a carpet cleaner slut, because relationship is a whole new level which I am still a baby to.

Then, I realised that the different time, I am just defenseless against people who are out to seduce me. Not that I am that popular, but I guess once in a while when Lady Luck smiles at me, I am not that up to resist that tempting smile...

Sigh, more than a quarter of my life has past and I am still learning the ways of affection and relations with other human beings. What exactly is it that I am missing?

My Fucked Up Coconut Water Brain

Cannot believe how this is happening twice, I forgot totally about my appointments and decided to return one day late. How stupid can that be? Just very very very frustrated with myself in anyway.

Seems like too much good things happening on one day will be quickly balanced out by another day of total stupidity that fucked the rest of the few months up.

Because of my coconut water brain that couldn't contain anything else, I once again have to brake my appointments, like 3 times within the same month. Do not understand what is going on with it right now. Just very very frustrated with the whole thing. I wished I could have thought everything out.

Exactly I do not have anybody to blame, except for myself, that I am feeling remorse and self-loathe to the point of suicidal. Sigh, to think I thought it would be an end. Now look at what I have done.

I have a feeling that more bad things are going to come pretty soon. I don't know what I am frustrated with, the issue of me forgetting the appointment, or me not receiving response from text message. This is stupid, the whole day is stupid. And the reason for all that fucked up things happening to me, it once again proved that is really the individual who did the things that resulted in the bad things.

People Are Just Too Strange

I have to admit that I am really bad at passing eye contacts to the party that I am interested. I am not painfully shy, but certainly shy enough to not be able to hold on any eye contacts with people.

Yesterday, was probably the best night of my life. For once, because of inadequate alcohol consumption, I found someone that I really really liked. Best. day. ever! A pretty pretty young lady who is soo cute and has a sense of humour. Leaving with her from the group was really a disappointment to my friend. Deep inside, I felt guilty, but believe me, when her soft lips touched mine, I was in cloud nine to even remember what is my name.

I guess the main reason was that the whole night there was a whole bunch of people all over her, wanting to get to know her, and some, for sure wanted to get laid by her. I guessed if I did not do anything, that she would be with somebody else in a flash.
As usual, the complex inferiority flawed self played up the notion that she was not that into me, and, she would most likely just go with someone else.

So after the wonderful night, now I am getting a bit scared. I knew that I fell into the 'too fast to be involved' trap, and wish to take a step back and take it slow from the beginning. Playing games is just now my league (anymore?).

Hopefully, this will really really really go well. (Judging by the really's', really, I do want to have a good outcome out of this) If I cannot take it slow, then I know by end of this summer (or earlier), I would bring my broken heart and bury it in the winter's snow.

跳樓自殺都怕壓到人

有時候真的覺得自己可能就是上述所講的人。 顧慮別人的感受已經變成一種習慣，就連讓自己非常之不方便，做起來也吃力不討好的請求，也都因爲別人的要求而照做不誤。。。

明明就不由衷，還是沒有辦法，因爲不想讓對方覺得不高興。

今天在陽臺抽煙的時候，覺得自己總是拿著煙灰缸在手裏沉的很，但是又擔心煙灰亂彈會弄髒樓下鄰居的陽臺。。 感覺好像沒有幾個抽煙的人會像我這樣子，公德心好的過分。 在外面抽煙也從來都不把煙屁股亂丟，一定得丟到垃圾桶裏，而且之前肯定把火熄滅得徹底。

所以突然就想到說如果有一天自己的憂鬱嚴重到沒有葯救了，是不是想要跳個樓都要先看一下下面有沒有人，確定不會在過了晚上的十二點才跳下去死。。 因爲怕壓倒了人，也怕身體掉砸到地上的聲音太大會嚇醒鄰居小孩， 等等，等等。。。

其實我應該還沒有那麽的誇張。。。但是現實上好像我總是讓自己覺得不高興，因爲總是過渡遷就符合別人的意願，讓自己的想法都抛到一邊去哭泣了。