Defenseless Against Seduction

Yup, I feel like a teenage who's all innocent and does not know a single thing about the worldly adult world of seductions and flirting.

That is why I am feeling like a pile of shit right now after whatever has happened. That is, to say my first night with a lady.

This is when I am very very sure, one night stand is not for me. That applies to both ladies and gentlemen.

It also further proofs the theory that lonely people tend to do one night stands, and all the more you do it, all the more you are lonely. A terrible cycle which I do not wish to fall into. The end of the cycle, with any stroke of bad luck, will probably end up with HIV infection. This has to be the most wonderful full-stop that men can obtain from the animal, the pervert lust that brought a whole new incurable disease to human beings.

That aside, the experience I have had further confirms that I definitely definitely am up for another again. Although, I do still have my doubts if I am downright a carpet cleaner slut, because relationship is a whole new level which I am still a baby to.

Then, I realised that the different time, I am just defenseless against people who are out to seduce me. Not that I am that popular, but I guess once in a while when Lady Luck smiles at me, I am not that up to resist that tempting smile...

Sigh, more than a quarter of my life has past and I am still learning the ways of affection and relations with other human beings. What exactly is it that I am missing?

My Fucked Up Coconut Water Brain

Cannot believe how this is happening twice, I forgot totally about my appointments and decided to return one day late. How stupid can that be? Just very very very frustrated with myself in anyway.

Seems like too much good things happening on one day will be quickly balanced out by another day of total stupidity that fucked the rest of the few months up.

Because of my coconut water brain that couldn't contain anything else, I once again have to brake my appointments, like 3 times within the same month. Do not understand what is going on with it right now. Just very very frustrated with the whole thing. I wished I could have thought everything out.

Exactly I do not have anybody to blame, except for myself, that I am feeling remorse and self-loathe to the point of suicidal. Sigh, to think I thought it would be an end. Now look at what I have done.

I have a feeling that more bad things are going to come pretty soon. I don't know what I am frustrated with, the issue of me forgetting the appointment, or me not receiving response from text message. This is stupid, the whole day is stupid. And the reason for all that fucked up things happening to me, it once again proved that is really the individual who did the things that resulted in the bad things.

People Are Just Too Strange

I have to admit that I am really bad at passing eye contacts to the party that I am interested. I am not painfully shy, but certainly shy enough to not be able to hold on any eye contacts with people.

Yesterday, was probably the best night of my life. For once, because of inadequate alcohol consumption, I found someone that I really really liked. Best. day. ever! A pretty pretty young lady who is soo cute and has a sense of humour. Leaving with her from the group was really a disappointment to my friend. Deep inside, I felt guilty, but believe me, when her soft lips touched mine, I was in cloud nine to even remember what is my name.

I guess the main reason was that the whole night there was a whole bunch of people all over her, wanting to get to know her, and some, for sure wanted to get laid by her. I guessed if I did not do anything, that she would be with somebody else in a flash.
As usual, the complex inferiority flawed self played up the notion that she was not that into me, and, she would most likely just go with someone else.

So after the wonderful night, now I am getting a bit scared. I knew that I fell into the 'too fast to be involved' trap, and wish to take a step back and take it slow from the beginning. Playing games is just now my league (anymore?).

Hopefully, this will really really really go well. (Judging by the really's', really, I do want to have a good outcome out of this) If I cannot take it slow, then I know by end of this summer (or earlier), I would bring my broken heart and bury it in the winter's snow.

跳樓自殺都怕壓到人

有時候真的覺得自己可能就是上述所講的人。 顧慮別人的感受已經變成一種習慣，就連讓自己非常之不方便，做起來也吃力不討好的請求，也都因爲別人的要求而照做不誤。。。

明明就不由衷，還是沒有辦法，因爲不想讓對方覺得不高興。

今天在陽臺抽煙的時候，覺得自己總是拿著煙灰缸在手裏沉的很，但是又擔心煙灰亂彈會弄髒樓下鄰居的陽臺。。 感覺好像沒有幾個抽煙的人會像我這樣子，公德心好的過分。 在外面抽煙也從來都不把煙屁股亂丟，一定得丟到垃圾桶裏，而且之前肯定把火熄滅得徹底。

所以突然就想到說如果有一天自己的憂鬱嚴重到沒有葯救了，是不是想要跳個樓都要先看一下下面有沒有人，確定不會在過了晚上的十二點才跳下去死。。 因爲怕壓倒了人，也怕身體掉砸到地上的聲音太大會嚇醒鄰居小孩， 等等，等等。。。

其實我應該還沒有那麽的誇張。。。但是現實上好像我總是讓自己覺得不高興，因爲總是過渡遷就符合別人的意願，讓自己的想法都抛到一邊去哭泣了。

Corinne Bailey Rae - The Sea

Release: 26 January 2010

01. Are You Here
02. I'd Do It All Again
03. Feels Like The First Time
04. The Blackest Lily
05. Closer
06. Love's On Its Way
07. I Would Like To Call It Beauty
08. Paris Nights/ New York Mornings
09. Paper Dolls
10. Diving For Hearts
11. The Sea

最初的地方

今天，早上覺得楊乃文唱的‘最初的地方’特別適合早上的心情。 讓我安靜的想一想。。。寂寞待我回到最初的地方。

有點陰暗的一整天，寂寞奇怪地一直在刺著我的心。工作雖然照舊，但心情卻煩悶的可以。。。

爲什麽，寂寞如影相隨，雖然生活過的自認還算充實？ 是空虛嗎？還是因爲沒有方向的無所謂讓寂寞這麽折磨著我？ 無解。

要下雪了， 結果和朋友的約會cancel了。 星期五的晚上，又是一個人回到家裏。 愁著不知道的什麽。

隨著天氣的轉變，自己也變得傷春悲秋的，也不知道在呻吟些什麽。

Random

I don't know what to think, don't know what to say. Don't know what to do on a snowy winter's night. The place is warm, yet my body stays cold. It is quiet outside, but i felt the noise rattling inside my head.

I want to scream and I want to shout, but I fell into silence to calm myself down. Too much is going on, nothing was going on.

Till when, will I realise, that me, is who I am.

Chaos, in the orderly life, is driving me crazy. How do I act sane? When all that is inside is nothing but the craziness? How do I act insane? When all that craziness outside is deemed reality.

I want to pen all the thoughts that flew by, and flew out of my head. Yet the coordination seems so difficult to translate the thoughts into comprehensible thoughts. It is like a foreign language that only I know, yet I cannot find words to translate it. It might just be a foreign language you know, after all, who else knows what I am thinking but me?

Do I know, what is real? Do I know what is real? Do I know what I want to know as real? Do I know if I am real?

In my own world, there are no imaginations, just images, words, sounds, noises, unprocessed, unedited, uncensored, understandable, by only myself. I am in a world of reality went crazy, thoughts that were too morbid yet I felt relieved and happy to hide in it. If only I could fly away from all this. Where to? Where is the perfect world that I could fly to?

A neverending story that ends with my life. How ironic, if my thoughts can last forever but I will not be there forever...