1. I take confidence in my work, and the way I work.
2. On the other side, I am trying very hard to get a grip of myself and not let the demon takeover the sanity. So far, I am proud of what I am achieving because I know it could be a lot worse. Imagine getting into drugs and waste the life away.
3. My mind goes frenzy once in a while. The 2 biggest thing I am afraid is being blind, and the fact that I can absolutely understand what it is like to have a snapped mind.
4. I want to so much travel the world, yet right now I am too much of a couch potato who's happy with the life of mundane nine to five 'expatriate' with a pathetic remuneration package. I likened that to what a foreign construction worker is receiving after a hard day's work out in the sun laying bricks.
5. I like to take challenges constantly, physically and mentally. I think each challenge I overcome, I am stronger than who I was before.
6. I get lazy, lack of motivation and just let myself slack in other areas of life. I excuse myself that this is a way to de-stress.
7. The fact I try to push myself harder, because deep inside, I am nothing but a pile of mud.
8. Pessimistic, but I still have hope, and being naive is what gives the hope. Most of the time, I *hope* I am naive and life is all about eating strawberries and getting medicure and pink nail polish and fashionable clothes and rich, handsome boys kissing the hem of my mini-skirt. The only problem in my life, then, would be which rich boy to choose for prom night and if he will be the future father for my kids.
9. I hate to embarrass myself in public, I imagine I would be all classy, intellect, clever, clearheaded and classy with a touch of beauty. The fact is, I am not really. Did I just mention classy twice?? That shows a bit of the muddle-head that I am in reality.
10. I think I will be senile when I grow old, and because I do not want to be old and senile, I am constantly smoking to keep my life span not longer than 70.
11. If I grow old and have cancer, I will not seek medication but redemption. This is in the hope that my third biggest fear will not come true. After death, my conscious is stuck with my rotten body in a coffin till infinity. I will then request that they cremate my body instead of bury it just to be safe.
12. Lastly, I should stop here, because judging by the way this whole thing is going, I am going to let my imagination run wild and scare the daylight out of myself.. oh sorry, is it not night time now?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
結局他人の幸せがうらやましくてしかたがない
自分と関係ないことだけど。 一人ぼっちで、毎日このまま過ごして、つまらないんだ。 ですから、ほかの人の生活に興味がある。それで恋のはじめ、別れ、全部関心が高まる。
やはり自分のドラマがないと、別人のドラマは関心がある。少しの楽しさを見つけられて、つまらないの毎日に少し人生の味を加える。ですからテレビのドラマをみるのは盛り上がる。ですから友のこと聞くのは興味がある。
自分の幸せを見つけられず、別人の生活からその部分を感じる。
こういう悲しいともない、ただ生きているだけです。
やはり自分のドラマがないと、別人のドラマは関心がある。少しの楽しさを見つけられて、つまらないの毎日に少し人生の味を加える。ですからテレビのドラマをみるのは盛り上がる。ですから友のこと聞くのは興味がある。
自分の幸せを見つけられず、別人の生活からその部分を感じる。
こういう悲しいともない、ただ生きているだけです。
Friday, April 9, 2010
So I have this dream, and then I thought, I could probably write a book out of it and become famous! I am sure nobody will ever have this idea, not even in their wildest dream (assuming my dream is as wild).
Here goes...
Suzie lives in a small town away from the capital of Brasvick by miles. She is a normal little town girl, having her little doll and her playmate who lives next door. His name is Husch, from the royal Blackwell who served at the court for 5 generations before his great-grand father was banished for alleged treason to this countryside.
This town, came about 80 years ago, established by a group of royals who were rich and affluenced at the time of peace ruled by the beloved King Henri. Thereafter, the crown prince, Josephine, died of a mysterious disease, just about the age of 20. The next crown prince in-line, who succeded after King Henri, was Keagan, the son of Lord Halent, King Henri's cousin.
Now, Keagan was very young and is in the total manipulation by his father, who had the ambition to takeover and feels that the country could be more strong and bigger. He manipulated Keagan and allowed the great army of Valderland to being a plan of invading neighbouring countries in the name of more resources for the expanding population.
This is a time where the subjects who were loyal to King Henri and believed in peace to start opposing the plans and what the now King Keagan would made. But King Keagan would not hear of such, his father has lead him, in these years to understand and appreciate the power of the crown and that no one, not even God, should ever defy him. The ambition to take over the land and create vast riches for people of Valderland.
The conflict lead to, ultimately a turmoil period that eventually set the loyal subjects to be banished away from court, never to be heard of again.
The war has dragged the once rich and pretty country to a harsh one. Lands are no longer fertile as young, strong men from every household were sent to war. There were not enough people to work in the lands anymore. The women, had to learn how to take care of the kids while doing the farm work. When the riches was spent on war, the taxes were collected more higher, and people got poorer.
The once carefree people of Valderland, who once greeted strangers with utmost hospitality sharing their bread and wine, have now became harsh people with such a sour face that milk turned into yogurt at their expression...
Valderland became a dark, glommy country that has lost it's greeneries that almost nobody remembers the time when Henri ruled. Almost. Except for the banished 12 loyal subjects. Legend has it that the 12 exceptional loyal subjects were also generals that protected the country during Henri's rule, from the deserted vast wasteland where the Shovans are.
Shovans are banished wizards, who once wielded mysterious powers to summon all demons and spirits of animals. They were all, once powerful and held in high regards by other countries, but who, has fallen into the trap of dark forces in their heart, the insatiable greed to takeover and rule the world. They were then banished, by reason of treason in the land of nothingness, of deserts, swamps and where the unknown dead were under the ground. They are also, naturally the enemies of Valderland, whom the 12 loyal subjects has faithfully protected the country from.
When they were all banished, they have disappeared, and taken along with them, that same power that could summon all spirits of the world. That same greatness that has protected the country so well, and the countless history and deeds they have done. This, has left the people with no hope and they no longer speak of the greatness but past it down as only legends and myths, that nobody believes any more.
What was unknown to Valderland, and not to King Keagan was that the 12 loyal subjects was not banished to the land of Shovans. Instead, they went far away from the ears of and eyes of the King, and built their own town and lived moderately, keeping the magic to themselves. As years past, they have, lived as honest folks, and the town grew with strangers or travellers that have decided to settle down and it became just like any other town in Valderland.
Things were peaceful and quiet for years then in the town of Brasvick, the fear that King Keagan would find them wore out from the minds of loyals as not even a single soldier has past the town. They have also, many a times, used their powerful magic to protect the town from being discovered and also to grow peacefully in the times of turmoil. More importantly, because the town borders the Wasteland where the Shovans roam, it has prevented the town from being invaded by Shovans.
However, one strange day, the peaceful quiet town suddenly found all the 12 loyal subjects, who were strong and healthy as their bulls in the farm were found dead as stone at their own individual house. This was first discovered by, of course their wives and families. Nobody knew what happened except to discover them being very dead one morning in Spring. It was a mystery that nobody could solve, because there was not a single sign of struggle, as the old coroner has found. There was not a single evidence of grudges against all of them, for they are all well-respected and beloved by all others, and their neighbours. The problem that they were found dead right on their own bed at the same time was a frightening mystery to the village. It was, as the old coroner put it, that their souls decided to leave the body that night.
It was all a strange, and devasting day for the whole of the village. Every person in the village attended the funeral in the cemetry right by the church. The face from each was solem and respectful, the family members were devasted with grief, they hold on to their sons tightly and shed soundless tears. They msytery death that could not be explained did not trigger suspicion within the village, for they all know too well that nobody could do that, given the power they hold.
Now on this day of the funeral, Suzie, the young child who sadly, does not have a family because her mother, a gypsy who travelled and settled in Brasvick had died years ago of a disease. Leaving her with the father of the church who was close friend, and neighbour of Blackwell. She, of course attended the funeral as her father was
Here goes...
Suzie lives in a small town away from the capital of Brasvick by miles. She is a normal little town girl, having her little doll and her playmate who lives next door. His name is Husch, from the royal Blackwell who served at the court for 5 generations before his great-grand father was banished for alleged treason to this countryside.
This town, came about 80 years ago, established by a group of royals who were rich and affluenced at the time of peace ruled by the beloved King Henri. Thereafter, the crown prince, Josephine, died of a mysterious disease, just about the age of 20. The next crown prince in-line, who succeded after King Henri, was Keagan, the son of Lord Halent, King Henri's cousin.
Now, Keagan was very young and is in the total manipulation by his father, who had the ambition to takeover and feels that the country could be more strong and bigger. He manipulated Keagan and allowed the great army of Valderland to being a plan of invading neighbouring countries in the name of more resources for the expanding population.
This is a time where the subjects who were loyal to King Henri and believed in peace to start opposing the plans and what the now King Keagan would made. But King Keagan would not hear of such, his father has lead him, in these years to understand and appreciate the power of the crown and that no one, not even God, should ever defy him. The ambition to take over the land and create vast riches for people of Valderland.
The conflict lead to, ultimately a turmoil period that eventually set the loyal subjects to be banished away from court, never to be heard of again.
The war has dragged the once rich and pretty country to a harsh one. Lands are no longer fertile as young, strong men from every household were sent to war. There were not enough people to work in the lands anymore. The women, had to learn how to take care of the kids while doing the farm work. When the riches was spent on war, the taxes were collected more higher, and people got poorer.
The once carefree people of Valderland, who once greeted strangers with utmost hospitality sharing their bread and wine, have now became harsh people with such a sour face that milk turned into yogurt at their expression...
Valderland became a dark, glommy country that has lost it's greeneries that almost nobody remembers the time when Henri ruled. Almost. Except for the banished 12 loyal subjects. Legend has it that the 12 exceptional loyal subjects were also generals that protected the country during Henri's rule, from the deserted vast wasteland where the Shovans are.
Shovans are banished wizards, who once wielded mysterious powers to summon all demons and spirits of animals. They were all, once powerful and held in high regards by other countries, but who, has fallen into the trap of dark forces in their heart, the insatiable greed to takeover and rule the world. They were then banished, by reason of treason in the land of nothingness, of deserts, swamps and where the unknown dead were under the ground. They are also, naturally the enemies of Valderland, whom the 12 loyal subjects has faithfully protected the country from.
When they were all banished, they have disappeared, and taken along with them, that same power that could summon all spirits of the world. That same greatness that has protected the country so well, and the countless history and deeds they have done. This, has left the people with no hope and they no longer speak of the greatness but past it down as only legends and myths, that nobody believes any more.
What was unknown to Valderland, and not to King Keagan was that the 12 loyal subjects was not banished to the land of Shovans. Instead, they went far away from the ears of and eyes of the King, and built their own town and lived moderately, keeping the magic to themselves. As years past, they have, lived as honest folks, and the town grew with strangers or travellers that have decided to settle down and it became just like any other town in Valderland.
Things were peaceful and quiet for years then in the town of Brasvick, the fear that King Keagan would find them wore out from the minds of loyals as not even a single soldier has past the town. They have also, many a times, used their powerful magic to protect the town from being discovered and also to grow peacefully in the times of turmoil. More importantly, because the town borders the Wasteland where the Shovans roam, it has prevented the town from being invaded by Shovans.
However, one strange day, the peaceful quiet town suddenly found all the 12 loyal subjects, who were strong and healthy as their bulls in the farm were found dead as stone at their own individual house. This was first discovered by, of course their wives and families. Nobody knew what happened except to discover them being very dead one morning in Spring. It was a mystery that nobody could solve, because there was not a single sign of struggle, as the old coroner has found. There was not a single evidence of grudges against all of them, for they are all well-respected and beloved by all others, and their neighbours. The problem that they were found dead right on their own bed at the same time was a frightening mystery to the village. It was, as the old coroner put it, that their souls decided to leave the body that night.
It was all a strange, and devasting day for the whole of the village. Every person in the village attended the funeral in the cemetry right by the church. The face from each was solem and respectful, the family members were devasted with grief, they hold on to their sons tightly and shed soundless tears. They msytery death that could not be explained did not trigger suspicion within the village, for they all know too well that nobody could do that, given the power they hold.
Now on this day of the funeral, Suzie, the young child who sadly, does not have a family because her mother, a gypsy who travelled and settled in Brasvick had died years ago of a disease. Leaving her with the father of the church who was close friend, and neighbour of Blackwell. She, of course attended the funeral as her father was
Desperado 2... The Mating Season...
Yup, I think I am in a desperado mode. Again. Probably just like some kind of animals that are overdue for the mating season, or rather too eager for the mating season to start.
So, I again spent monies on a dating (different) website, of which, I pessimistically do not see any potential of getting a successful date. This time, the reason was simply the girls out that are too good-looking and way out of the typical stereotype. So, is this the human nature of being suspicious of things when it is too good to be true?
I think it is. So, I now think twice about sending an email because I got too nervous and did not want to sound desperado. This probably triggered my inferiority complex and the more I think I belong to one of the stereotype old woman who are weirdos than being normal, and they are all too good for me thus will not be bothered with whatever pervert emails I send them. Me and me own overly-done act out scenario....
Weird old woman.... Well age does mean something to me, I guess. I hope I will stand proud and confident at age 30, but when I look at my profile and saw the age and myself, I felt left behind by youth itself. "Finally the potion has been used up and what is left is the true ugliness of leftovers of a body that is deserted by youth."
Anyway, the main point, as can see, is this. I am desperate for a relationship, yet unsure of myself at the same time if I can hold on to someone that long. The self-dubious me really makes myself sick, and I do not know how can I fix this. Time does not seem to do the trick since I have been trying for years to overcome it.
If this is something that happens just like being struck by a bolt of lightning, then I wish I will get struck asap. Time is just running out for me to figure out myself.
So, I again spent monies on a dating (different) website, of which, I pessimistically do not see any potential of getting a successful date. This time, the reason was simply the girls out that are too good-looking and way out of the typical stereotype. So, is this the human nature of being suspicious of things when it is too good to be true?
I think it is. So, I now think twice about sending an email because I got too nervous and did not want to sound desperado. This probably triggered my inferiority complex and the more I think I belong to one of the stereotype old woman who are weirdos than being normal, and they are all too good for me thus will not be bothered with whatever pervert emails I send them. Me and me own overly-done act out scenario....
Weird old woman.... Well age does mean something to me, I guess. I hope I will stand proud and confident at age 30, but when I look at my profile and saw the age and myself, I felt left behind by youth itself. "Finally the potion has been used up and what is left is the true ugliness of leftovers of a body that is deserted by youth."
Anyway, the main point, as can see, is this. I am desperate for a relationship, yet unsure of myself at the same time if I can hold on to someone that long. The self-dubious me really makes myself sick, and I do not know how can I fix this. Time does not seem to do the trick since I have been trying for years to overcome it.
If this is something that happens just like being struck by a bolt of lightning, then I wish I will get struck asap. Time is just running out for me to figure out myself.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Always Draw Inspiration From Blogs
Very important. 每每讀完朋友的部落格之後就覺得自己也變得好有靈感。跟之前坐在電腦面前亂寫一通的狀態完全的不一樣...
是不是吸了別人的墨水自己也可以變得好有墨水呢？... 好！拼命吸啊~~
來吧~靈感，墨水，統統給我過來~ 讓我吸個夠！...哈哈哈哈... 好像千年老妖精，吸取人氣讓自己靈感永駐...
是不是吸了別人的墨水自己也可以變得好有墨水呢？... 好！拼命吸啊~~
來吧~靈感，墨水，統統給我過來~ 讓我吸個夠！...哈哈哈哈... 好像千年老妖精，吸取人氣讓自己靈感永駐...
Defenseless Against Seduction
Yup, I feel like a teenage who's all innocent and does not know a single thing about the worldly adult world of seductions and flirting.
That is why I am feeling like a pile of shit right now after whatever has happened. That is, to say my first night with a lady.
This is when I am very very sure, one night stand is not for me. That applies to both ladies and gentlemen.
It also further proofs the theory that lonely people tend to do one night stands, and all the more you do it, all the more you are lonely. A terrible cycle which I do not wish to fall into. The end of the cycle, with any stroke of bad luck, will probably end up with HIV infection. This has to be the most wonderful full-stop that men can obtain from the animal, the pervert lust that brought a whole new incurable disease to human beings.
That aside, the experience I have had further confirms that I definitely definitely am up for another again. Although, I do still have my doubts if I am downright a carpet cleaner slut, because relationship is a whole new level which I am still a baby to.
Then, I realised that the different time, I am just defenseless against people who are out to seduce me. Not that I am that popular, but I guess once in a while when Lady Luck smiles at me, I am not that up to resist that tempting smile...
Sigh, more than a quarter of my life has past and I am still learning the ways of affection and relations with other human beings. What exactly is it that I am missing?
That is why I am feeling like a pile of shit right now after whatever has happened. That is, to say my first night with a lady.
This is when I am very very sure, one night stand is not for me. That applies to both ladies and gentlemen.
It also further proofs the theory that lonely people tend to do one night stands, and all the more you do it, all the more you are lonely. A terrible cycle which I do not wish to fall into. The end of the cycle, with any stroke of bad luck, will probably end up with HIV infection. This has to be the most wonderful full-stop that men can obtain from the animal, the pervert lust that brought a whole new incurable disease to human beings.
That aside, the experience I have had further confirms that I definitely definitely am up for another again. Although, I do still have my doubts if I am downright a carpet cleaner slut, because relationship is a whole new level which I am still a baby to.
Then, I realised that the different time, I am just defenseless against people who are out to seduce me. Not that I am that popular, but I guess once in a while when Lady Luck smiles at me, I am not that up to resist that tempting smile...
Sigh, more than a quarter of my life has past and I am still learning the ways of affection and relations with other human beings. What exactly is it that I am missing?
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