剛剛和朋友的朋友一起到Niagara Falls. 兩天裏, 雖然沒有什麽太多的聊天, 但是覺得默契還算好. 旅行非常輕鬆寫意. 開車送她回家之後, 晚上的10點一個人開著車的路上, 說不出的寂寞, 想著, 短暫的旅行在不知不覺閒就到了尾聲. 和旅行的同伴說聲拜, 有點倉促得分開了.
我不知道以後會不會再看到她, 一個紐約的過客, 逗留兩個月之後就飛回歐洲了. 距離, 減少了再見的幾率. 而歐洲, 更是一個可能永遠都不會涉足的地方. 短暫的相遇, 在機緣巧合之下促成了這一次的結伴同游. 兩個不同國度的人, 過著完全不同時節的生活, 能夠在另一個國家裏相遇, 旅行, 是怎麽樣的緣分?
分開以後, 一切的回憶, 是否會忘卻在腦后, 偶爾想起, 也不過覺得那是另外一個短暫旅行遇到的朋友, 而從此不會在聯係, 因爲沒有共同點? 許多想說的話, 偶爾想念的心情, 沒有辦法告訴對方, 因爲不知道在對方心裏, 這樣子的緣分, 是否也很特別? 于或是很多旅行中的一個插曲?
回家的路上, 覺得自己真的好奇怪, 人生裏面對了這麽多的生離, 竟然還會覺得好失落. 這麽的放不下...
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Envy うらやましい
身邊越來越多朋友結婚了. 看著覺得好幸福, 非常羡慕. 回頭看看自己, 到底喜歡男人或女人都搞不清楚, 而對自己的活著的定義還在找尋. 不知道我什麽時候才會真正找到自己, 並且找到一個可以讓我付出的人.
如果花了這麽多時閒而錯過了青春, 不知道值不值得. 如果回首才發現自己鑽牛角尖, 而浪費了多少時間, 肯定會後悔. 現在想不通, 找不到答案, 而心裏明白着急著也無可奈何.
我到底是什麽? 爲什麽不快樂? 爲什麽如此害怕著未知的一切並且對自己感到陌生? 什麽時候才可以真正活出自己?
I need to feel myself firmly on the ground, yet I am floating around and about. 自分はねはどうなものですよ?
如果花了這麽多時閒而錯過了青春, 不知道值不值得. 如果回首才發現自己鑽牛角尖, 而浪費了多少時間, 肯定會後悔. 現在想不通, 找不到答案, 而心裏明白着急著也無可奈何.
我到底是什麽? 爲什麽不快樂? 爲什麽如此害怕著未知的一切並且對自己感到陌生? 什麽時候才可以真正活出自己?
I need to feel myself firmly on the ground, yet I am floating around and about. 自分はねはどうなものですよ?
Friday, August 14, 2009
First Date, or Not
I seriously don't know what am I doing. So I tried posting on craigslist hoping to find someone normal amidst the tons of casual posting with nothing but the ass crack and sickly vagina.
Then, I replied to this post. Then, I got myself a date on Friday evening. Before that, we exchanged photo and I know immediately this is so not going to be a date that I was thinking of. However, I tell myself, be open-minded, try the dating scene.
Then, we went to Henrietta after dinner at Hoboken. Then, I saw myself ogling at other people... And then someone unforgettable, couldn't get my eyes off her... just have to stare at her... too bad, she's attached and basically ignored me. sigh. I went off without even saying a 'hi'...
Seriously I don't know what am I doing. I questioned myself so many times, and I couldn't answer myself. Is this what I want? Is this right? Is this what I am? Is this....
I feel like crying, but no tears. I feel sad, but the sadness is emptiness. I feel confused, yet I know I have to stay grounded. I know what I am supposed to do, yet not sure at the same time.
The first date is really good and analyzing. She said that I have two world inside me that conflicts with each other. I have struggles between the two world, and I am confused, and I don't know. Sometimes I think this should be the right answer, yet another self starts questioning if this is real or not. Then the thing that I was so sure about, became unsure. I don't know what is this, but according to her, is a phase to go through which she did go through. That's why we are similar.
Considering my own judgment of her, I don't want to be similar to her. It makes me feel like vomitting. Because I know I am not like her, and don't want to be like her. I want to be more profound, more classy, more .... superior... Not that she is ghetto, but she is not someone I think I want to be in future. Then again, I questioned myself I can ever be the person I want to. Be ever so sure that I will succeed and stand on top... the desire was once so strong and so sure... and now I am questioning again and again if this is really what I want. If yes, why is it that I was never motivated to work towards it? Why am I lazy about it? Why cannot I make up my mind to do something about it?
Life, is getting more confuse for me after I have arrived here. The more I tried to clear up, the more unsure I became. Ultimately, if I cannot figure myself out, I will probably never be able to be who I want to be... and that life itself, probably does not have any meaning for me afterall.
Then, I replied to this post. Then, I got myself a date on Friday evening. Before that, we exchanged photo and I know immediately this is so not going to be a date that I was thinking of. However, I tell myself, be open-minded, try the dating scene.
Then, we went to Henrietta after dinner at Hoboken. Then, I saw myself ogling at other people... And then someone unforgettable, couldn't get my eyes off her... just have to stare at her... too bad, she's attached and basically ignored me. sigh. I went off without even saying a 'hi'...
Seriously I don't know what am I doing. I questioned myself so many times, and I couldn't answer myself. Is this what I want? Is this right? Is this what I am? Is this....
I feel like crying, but no tears. I feel sad, but the sadness is emptiness. I feel confused, yet I know I have to stay grounded. I know what I am supposed to do, yet not sure at the same time.
The first date is really good and analyzing. She said that I have two world inside me that conflicts with each other. I have struggles between the two world, and I am confused, and I don't know. Sometimes I think this should be the right answer, yet another self starts questioning if this is real or not. Then the thing that I was so sure about, became unsure. I don't know what is this, but according to her, is a phase to go through which she did go through. That's why we are similar.
Considering my own judgment of her, I don't want to be similar to her. It makes me feel like vomitting. Because I know I am not like her, and don't want to be like her. I want to be more profound, more classy, more .... superior... Not that she is ghetto, but she is not someone I think I want to be in future. Then again, I questioned myself I can ever be the person I want to. Be ever so sure that I will succeed and stand on top... the desire was once so strong and so sure... and now I am questioning again and again if this is really what I want. If yes, why is it that I was never motivated to work towards it? Why am I lazy about it? Why cannot I make up my mind to do something about it?
Life, is getting more confuse for me after I have arrived here. The more I tried to clear up, the more unsure I became. Ultimately, if I cannot figure myself out, I will probably never be able to be who I want to be... and that life itself, probably does not have any meaning for me afterall.
Monday, August 10, 2009
真的，变了
看著你現在的照片，有說不出的感受。 記得那時我們兩個人一起站在樹下，幻想著奇怪的邏輯。妳說，樹是往生的人變成的，我覺得好笑，卻也深深地被迷惑了。如果風吹過樹葉發出了沙沙的聲響，那就是樹和樹之間的說活，就是往生的人之間的對話。我相信了，感覺並不恐怖，而是看著妳對著樹幻想著，這畫面深深印在我心裏。
我喜歡和妳在一起。 畢業后，你有事找我，我興奮極了，拜托了不熟的同學讓你訪問。 然後帶著妳到處介紹我的校園，告訴妳發生的有趣事件， 然後一起回家。 知道妳看武俠小説，我也跟著一頭栽進了金庸世界，從此不能自拔。 就算是已經不再聯絡了， 你對我的影響已經讓我改變了。 有時想想， 還記得那應該是自己的心跳聲吧，自己緊張得連著好幾天都想著你會不會突然又出現在我放學附近的車站等著我。
不知怎麽的，然後就再也沒有聯絡了。 畢業之後， 有好幾次看到妳騎著腳踏車一閃而過。 來不及叫妳，就已經走遠了。 成績一向卓然的妳， 和考零蛋的我就像兩條直綫，幾乎沒有交際。 你有了新的朋友，我也有自己的生活。 但是過去短暫交錯的生命，你對我有著致命的影響和吸引力。 有時天馬行空的想象讓我不知覺的跟著妳想象美好的。 而用功有博學的知識讓我崇拜傾心。 然後溫柔的聲音說著夢想讓我無法忘懷。一切是美好的記憶，卻都已是過去。
也許被時間沖淡的記憶是最美麗的。 那份思念偶爾湧出我的心頭， 讓我不知覺的找尋有關你的信息。看到現在的妳，應該是對過去的懷念與記憶的緬懷，因爲真的，我們都變了。 不再是小孩，也不再有幻想的美好。而擁有的過去， 我想就讓時間把它模糊，縂比被翻出來被現實化來的浪漫吧。
我喜歡和妳在一起。 畢業后，你有事找我，我興奮極了，拜托了不熟的同學讓你訪問。 然後帶著妳到處介紹我的校園，告訴妳發生的有趣事件， 然後一起回家。 知道妳看武俠小説，我也跟著一頭栽進了金庸世界，從此不能自拔。 就算是已經不再聯絡了， 你對我的影響已經讓我改變了。 有時想想， 還記得那應該是自己的心跳聲吧，自己緊張得連著好幾天都想著你會不會突然又出現在我放學附近的車站等著我。
不知怎麽的，然後就再也沒有聯絡了。 畢業之後， 有好幾次看到妳騎著腳踏車一閃而過。 來不及叫妳，就已經走遠了。 成績一向卓然的妳， 和考零蛋的我就像兩條直綫，幾乎沒有交際。 你有了新的朋友，我也有自己的生活。 但是過去短暫交錯的生命，你對我有著致命的影響和吸引力。 有時天馬行空的想象讓我不知覺的跟著妳想象美好的。 而用功有博學的知識讓我崇拜傾心。 然後溫柔的聲音說著夢想讓我無法忘懷。一切是美好的記憶，卻都已是過去。
也許被時間沖淡的記憶是最美麗的。 那份思念偶爾湧出我的心頭， 讓我不知覺的找尋有關你的信息。看到現在的妳，應該是對過去的懷念與記憶的緬懷，因爲真的，我們都變了。 不再是小孩，也不再有幻想的美好。而擁有的過去， 我想就讓時間把它模糊，縂比被翻出來被現實化來的浪漫吧。
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Lake Placid, New York
This trip is... how should I put it? Is probably like a trip that I thought would be special yet does not leave a deep impression in my memories. Is probably like the umpteen times I've been to Bangkok and not knowing that each time I went, is really a different place.
The companionship was great, people I have just got to know them, and during this trip understand them better. There were a few things that did not go smoothly, as with any other road trips.
View was great, though not breathtaking, it was really relaxing with a different atmosphere. The buildings around were almost Europe and if is not for the rude people around spoiling the good time, it would have been the perfect holiday.
The trip was really short, we did not do a lot of activities, just kayaking in the lake, walk around the lake, and did shopping. Followed by a good dinner that costs just as much as any other restaurants around.
The morning before we set off, went to a cafe called Ashley's Cafe after the checking out. It was drizzling outside and we set by the window overlooking the street and the gray colour sky. There are little bright flowers of purple, yellow and red planted outside the restaurant by the window sill. It was beautiful and peaceful in a slightly sad mood. Eating breakfast and talking to my friends, I realized that this was exactly what I think I am looking for. The little rain outside while you sip coffee in the cafe where they are playing Jazz music and you talk a bit with your friend and your love one. Serene and relax. It is the mood that I wanted to have, a state of mind that I wanted to attain. Peace with my inner-self and with the world outside.
This has been a good trip overall, although the night ended in a quite perculiar way. We were chatting by the Inn's pool sipping Rum and having some nice music at the background. Until we went to the topic of inhumanity happening right now at different countries that got people so depressed that they were actually angry the topic was brought up.
At 2am, we went to bed, all 3 of us in a real bad mood and drunked. It was not a happy experience, rather a very intimate session turned rather perculiar at the end. However, there were no hard feelings for sure. It just makes us got to know each other better. Very much better with this travel.
In fact I was glad that this trip did not turn out as a disaster that we will quarrel because of different habits etc. Living habits were accomodated and tolerated, nobody was ridculous or have any intolerable bad habits, or probably at least good enough not to show it.
I do like it a lot, but I really do not know if I will be able to remember it as years goes by. Its sad, and I wish I could really put this in my memories because it is precious. Thus I am blogging it down.
The companionship was great, people I have just got to know them, and during this trip understand them better. There were a few things that did not go smoothly, as with any other road trips.
View was great, though not breathtaking, it was really relaxing with a different atmosphere. The buildings around were almost Europe and if is not for the rude people around spoiling the good time, it would have been the perfect holiday.
The trip was really short, we did not do a lot of activities, just kayaking in the lake, walk around the lake, and did shopping. Followed by a good dinner that costs just as much as any other restaurants around.
The morning before we set off, went to a cafe called Ashley's Cafe after the checking out. It was drizzling outside and we set by the window overlooking the street and the gray colour sky. There are little bright flowers of purple, yellow and red planted outside the restaurant by the window sill. It was beautiful and peaceful in a slightly sad mood. Eating breakfast and talking to my friends, I realized that this was exactly what I think I am looking for. The little rain outside while you sip coffee in the cafe where they are playing Jazz music and you talk a bit with your friend and your love one. Serene and relax. It is the mood that I wanted to have, a state of mind that I wanted to attain. Peace with my inner-self and with the world outside.
This has been a good trip overall, although the night ended in a quite perculiar way. We were chatting by the Inn's pool sipping Rum and having some nice music at the background. Until we went to the topic of inhumanity happening right now at different countries that got people so depressed that they were actually angry the topic was brought up.
At 2am, we went to bed, all 3 of us in a real bad mood and drunked. It was not a happy experience, rather a very intimate session turned rather perculiar at the end. However, there were no hard feelings for sure. It just makes us got to know each other better. Very much better with this travel.
In fact I was glad that this trip did not turn out as a disaster that we will quarrel because of different habits etc. Living habits were accomodated and tolerated, nobody was ridculous or have any intolerable bad habits, or probably at least good enough not to show it.
I do like it a lot, but I really do not know if I will be able to remember it as years goes by. Its sad, and I wish I could really put this in my memories because it is precious. Thus I am blogging it down.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Bored @ Office Part XX?
Have not been putting up posts for July. Probably it marks the start of my laziness to keep up with this blog. Anyway, some little stuff that I wrote during boring office hours today...1. Everything unhealthy on my desk goes first. Thus explains why the apple on my desk rotted after 2 weeks.
2. I've always wanted to write something witty and outrageously funny, yet, it all boils down to this inferiority complex that nothing I write will ever be funny. Because dark comedy isn't funny but saddening.
3. I want to squeeze in as many meaning as I can within a short sentence, but usually ended up 10 times the length to tell half of what I wanted to say. Since primary school days, my summary tests failed and essays too long.
4. I cannot think fiction stories to write, the idea usually struck me like a lightning and went away in a flash.
5. I love music of all genres, listen to everything yet it seems I don't understand any.
6. Inspiration is like a nice cool breeze suddenly blowing on a hot summer day, you feel it and next moment it is gone.
7. Reading is a good way to writing, but if you don't start writing, reading constantly will prepare you when you feel like starting anytime.
8. Creative braincells die off as soon as you used them. You will have to have mental food everyday to regrow them again.
Most part of it sounds like crap, but all ideas start from crap. That's what the life is full of.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
REthinking Meself
I got lazy with blog. In fact, I got lazy with life. I must admit that I have live comfortably for the past 26 years of my life to really reflect what has been going on around. The fact been that I don't use my head to think too much probably contributed to the fact that I must have missed a lot of important events and opportunities in life. Probably even forgot the more important things in life.
So I talked to my sista through skype the other day, telling her that I should find something new in life. Not that coming to stay in a new country 10,000 miles across the globe is nothing new to me, just that probably I should start rethinking life a bit. More than a quarter of my life have passed, and that I worry if I should reach the age of 40 and still be what I would be at the age of 26, although now is not a bad thing.
The thought of staying the same while time passes away sort of scare me, probably it happens to many people at a point in their lifetime when nothing is sure now and they do not where to head in the future. Uncertainty of self and possible potential or even abilities will probably freak a lot of people out as they do not know what to do with themselves if they do ever realised that life can be so helpless sometimes. That's how I felt now, although not freaking out, I constantly worry about being achieving nothing 10 years down the road, when till now, it seems whatever have been achieved is mediocre and of mundanity.
The worst is probably the fact that I don't seem to hold a strong passion towards anything in life that I am doing now and could work towards it. Money I do love, but I know I wouldn't give up everything else just to attain it. Career, I do care, but I wouldn't carry the passion to go through and climb up the corporate ladder, although there is really a question of whether the desire to be on top is really there. Study have been an obligation and a mean to me rather than the end (end being the certificate that adds on the portfolio for my CV), and it has always much of a last minute job and nothing satisifying on accomplishment. Love is something I longed, but it seems I just have this mental impediment to allow me to follow my heart and find someone that I love and would date. Family is of utmost importance, yet I have not worked hard enough towards contributing to a better relationship, closeness seems to come at ease and natural that makes me wonder if it is really necessary to even think of how to pull the family even closer.
Having to go through the whole list of what normal human beings would have desires or goals for, the only thing is probably to learn to leave happily and wait for Judgement time, probably more than 40 years to go, if I am ever that lucky enough. So what about the waiting time of 40 more years to go? Merely leaving as per now, supposedly. Otherwise, there seems nothing to look forward to, except to make waiting more bearable and fun.
Being happy and satisfied is probably the most the difficult then, to feel that life is fun and everyday is good. I don't lead a bad life, I have friends, family, a stable job, etc. Weekends am kept busy and weekdays I find stuff to learn and fufill myself. Yet something is missing, something tells me that I need to rethink and probably change the way I am now. I guess if is love that I am missing, then this feeling will probably stay there. Although I hope to open the door and find love someday.
Is it love that I am missing, or is it something more larger than life, and not just love that I feel I should be finding?
So I talked to my sista through skype the other day, telling her that I should find something new in life. Not that coming to stay in a new country 10,000 miles across the globe is nothing new to me, just that probably I should start rethinking life a bit. More than a quarter of my life have passed, and that I worry if I should reach the age of 40 and still be what I would be at the age of 26, although now is not a bad thing.
The thought of staying the same while time passes away sort of scare me, probably it happens to many people at a point in their lifetime when nothing is sure now and they do not where to head in the future. Uncertainty of self and possible potential or even abilities will probably freak a lot of people out as they do not know what to do with themselves if they do ever realised that life can be so helpless sometimes. That's how I felt now, although not freaking out, I constantly worry about being achieving nothing 10 years down the road, when till now, it seems whatever have been achieved is mediocre and of mundanity.
The worst is probably the fact that I don't seem to hold a strong passion towards anything in life that I am doing now and could work towards it. Money I do love, but I know I wouldn't give up everything else just to attain it. Career, I do care, but I wouldn't carry the passion to go through and climb up the corporate ladder, although there is really a question of whether the desire to be on top is really there. Study have been an obligation and a mean to me rather than the end (end being the certificate that adds on the portfolio for my CV), and it has always much of a last minute job and nothing satisifying on accomplishment. Love is something I longed, but it seems I just have this mental impediment to allow me to follow my heart and find someone that I love and would date. Family is of utmost importance, yet I have not worked hard enough towards contributing to a better relationship, closeness seems to come at ease and natural that makes me wonder if it is really necessary to even think of how to pull the family even closer.
Having to go through the whole list of what normal human beings would have desires or goals for, the only thing is probably to learn to leave happily and wait for Judgement time, probably more than 40 years to go, if I am ever that lucky enough. So what about the waiting time of 40 more years to go? Merely leaving as per now, supposedly. Otherwise, there seems nothing to look forward to, except to make waiting more bearable and fun.
Being happy and satisfied is probably the most the difficult then, to feel that life is fun and everyday is good. I don't lead a bad life, I have friends, family, a stable job, etc. Weekends am kept busy and weekdays I find stuff to learn and fufill myself. Yet something is missing, something tells me that I need to rethink and probably change the way I am now. I guess if is love that I am missing, then this feeling will probably stay there. Although I hope to open the door and find love someday.
Is it love that I am missing, or is it something more larger than life, and not just love that I feel I should be finding?
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