First Date, or Not

I seriously don't know what am I doing. So I tried posting on craigslist hoping to find someone normal amidst the tons of casual posting with nothing but the ass crack and sickly vagina.

Then, I replied to this post. Then, I got myself a date on Friday evening. Before that, we exchanged photo and I know immediately this is so not going to be a date that I was thinking of. However, I tell myself, be open-minded, try the dating scene.

Then, we went to Henrietta after dinner at Hoboken. Then, I saw myself ogling at other people... And then someone unforgettable, couldn't get my eyes off her... just have to stare at her... too bad, she's attached and basically ignored me. sigh. I went off without even saying a 'hi'...

Seriously I don't know what am I doing. I questioned myself so many times, and I couldn't answer myself. Is this what I want? Is this right? Is this what I am? Is this....

I feel like crying, but no tears. I feel sad, but the sadness is emptiness. I feel confused, yet I know I have to stay grounded. I know what I am supposed to do, yet not sure at the same time.

The first date is really good and analyzing. She said that I have two world inside me that conflicts with each other. I have struggles between the two world, and I am confused, and I don't know. Sometimes I think this should be the right answer, yet another self starts questioning if this is real or not. Then the thing that I was so sure about, became unsure. I don't know what is this, but according to her, is a phase to go through which she did go through. That's why we are similar.

Considering my own judgment of her, I don't want to be similar to her. It makes me feel like vomitting. Because I know I am not like her, and don't want to be like her. I want to be more profound, more classy, more .... superior... Not that she is ghetto, but she is not someone I think I want to be in future. Then again, I questioned myself I can ever be the person I want to. Be ever so sure that I will succeed and stand on top... the desire was once so strong and so sure... and now I am questioning again and again if this is really what I want. If yes, why is it that I was never motivated to work towards it? Why am I lazy about it? Why cannot I make up my mind to do something about it?

Life, is getting more confuse for me after I have arrived here. The more I tried to clear up, the more unsure I became. Ultimately, if I cannot figure myself out, I will probably never be able to be who I want to be... and that life itself, probably does not have any meaning for me afterall.