Random...

It's like.. clockwork, precise and predictable at every move. Yet, in every move, as every second passes, something small changes. Something is different from the last move, so tiny that you might oversee it. Then once in a while, you look back and realised how different it became, time now and then. So, you try to calibrate the next move so that it comes back to where it used to be, back with what you were familiar with.

Life needs calibration. Once in a while, look back to calibrate back the deviations before seconds turns to minutes and to something that even calibration might not be able to make it what you wanted.

In the end

In the end, I still cannot be honest to the one person who's been totally honest with me. I've hurt him, in the way I didn't think it would be possible.

Ultimately, I'm just one of the many other people who have hurt him in his life. I hurt him by not telling him the truth, I've hurt him by not being able to love him back like he has. What kind of person am I?

What kind of person am I?

Who am I? The person that looks totally honest but really all full of lies? Guess that just makes me a very very good liar.

When will I have the courage to start merging all the different parts of me and show it as a whole, even when I was given the chance to start totally anew?

What have I done?

Infatuation is a Bitch!

Yes, you heard me. I guess there's always this self-abusing nature of human beings. You cannot get out of a crush because she's your friend, you always see her. And every time you hang out with her, you tuned out what's going on around, sometimes even what she's talking about. Then you notice how beautiful are her eyes, her smile, her hair, her skin, even the way she smells.

You feel your stomach twists whenever she leans in close to talk to you. And then, you start imagining that she might also like you, trying to find desperately (when probably there are none or totally willful misinterpretation) signs that she might also be into you.

Not that you've never tried. In fact, she's the one who suggested after a couple of dates to want to hang out as friends but it might be awkward. Being the total hopeless you, you disagreed that it will be awkward and you will be totally cool to be just friends.

So you hang out, twisting every muscle to hang on to that hair-thin self-control. Hitting your hand mentally when it inches out to touch her face or her hair, and pretending to be just friends. Right, just friends to her and torturing yourself internally.

You say to move on, but you kept making plans and finding excuses to create some events to hang out the next time. She's probably been friendly by asking you out again, genuinely to be friends. While you, clinging on the false hopes that she might just want to go out on a date with you.

Years ago, you remember spitting at those women who flung themselves uselessly at men who used them as doormats, been abusive or cheating etc. Then to a certain degree, you realised that you are probably like one of them too. Because you cannot get out of this infatuation. Because you keep doing what they are always doing, feed themselves with false hopes and imagination that things will change and she will come back to you someday, afterall, she never did outright rejected you, and even said that she liked you, but she's just not ready, right?

Your friends just tell you to move on and that she's sort of using you. Maybe deep inside you know they are right. Sometimes, you just tell them that you have moved on and the relationship is just pure friendship. Bullshit to others, and bullshit to yourself that you are not hopelessly hoping.

Pathetic, and you are just struggling, insincerely, to find a way out for yourself. Hoping time will help if distance is working just the opposite. Hoping divine intervention will help when you are working against it.

Yup, infatuation is a bitch, but you know who's that stupid chick that feeds this bitch constantly.

ingénue

How is it that I managed to, everytime when I'm totally drowned in alcohol, question who I really was? I wonder if this is really part of everyone's life, at one point in time when they are drunk. Set aside the fact a big part stems from the sexuality confusion, there's always this self-doubt about almost everything I do or say... Is this really me (at the same time, is this socially appropriate)? Does that mean I should probably visit a shrink if this question just floats in my mind every now and then. Maybe there's something really wrong with one who questions the meaning of her own existence so often... "The tree-lined avenue Begins to fade from view Drowning past regrets In tea and cigarettes... Ingénue..."

Status: Quo

Feelings: Mixed. Of course the fact that I cannot argue, I'm more comfortable with the weather here as compared to freaking winter wonderland. The realisation of muscle memory working its way when I'm here: the turning of locks, the switching of lights, the use of public transportation, the feelings of air-conditioned shopping centres, and speaking of Singlish.... It is all a distant familarity that seems to come out from the back of my mind without having to consciously think or act upon it.

Yet at the same time, the stress of crowd, the lack of space, the fast-pace escalators, even the humid air feel a bit too dense at times... which reminded me a long time ago when I was born and lived here all my life, I have not always liked what I am used to. The indulgence in imagining myself to be overseas in Europe with a cup of coffee, the thirsty envy when passing by the windows of an expensive condominium or a bungalow house and caught a glimpse of others' life, that almost certainly look to better than mine.. Materialistic desires unfufilled to the point I feel the weight hurting my heart. This, tells me I was in no way satisfied with life although I looked happy and normal on the surface.

I wished to come back, probably just to have the feeling of not belonging to somewhere where I once belonged. It is nice to know the feeling of that distant familarity is going to last only for a few weeks before returning back to where I don't belong; a place where I desire to belong.

Sometimes I wonder if I will feel this way if I'm really in another less desirable place, like where my sister is, a place with conditions much worse than this tropical island. It probably feels different than it is, and I would much liked to come home here than returning. My feelings are strange and mixed, which I understand but unable to honestly admit. Afterall, I'm looking forward to be out and about, and succumb to my own devil of materialistic desires of money, and free of all family/friends ties to do what I want.

My Fucked Up Head

Seriously, I think I'm pretty pissed off... And there is always this time of the year that I feel I am being fucked around even though I have worked considerably hard for the company. If continuously I have been disappointed year by year for 3 years about this whole compensation package, it is considered foolish of me to think it would be any better the next year round.

But, being the hopelessly idiotic moi, and with of course all other private attachments to this country and company, I will see what comes for this year. No doubt I will be disappointed, yet again. If it does happens again, then yes, this is a time where I swear I will have to quit the job, no matter how much I like it. Even if it means going on without a job here and having to go back to Singapore to start all over again, as much as I hate the idea now.

The problem is I cry over the fact that it sorts of reflects how much the company values me and also a reflection if this is really how much I am worth right now. Friends tell me I should really start looking and not be affected. However the sentimental value to the company of six years really is not something that I should be throwing away, no matter how much frustration I have been facing. I still do love my job and what I am doing to a certain extend.

Further, the fear of not being able to get any job in the foreign country and the hassle of everything puts me to a halt. Secondly, if I go and try to look again, I may never be able to find my way back as much as I would hope to. Maybe I should be braver and not try to hide and lie to myself that this really something I have to do, now.

I'm still waiting for the ultimate reality hit to make me start moving forward. And I really hope this will be the last straw for me to give up. Really, I need to move on and stop holding the false hope that I will not be fucked up, once again for the 4th time.

Santa Monica Dream

It has to be the most random thing. I came back from the probably most perfect date with this guy... and I couldn't help but cry like a baby when I heard this song 'Santa Monica Dream' by Augus & Julia Stone.

I wasn't even thinking about him, but I just felt like crying... which I did. I was crying over her. I knew it was over, when she didn't reply to me, I knew I had to cut it off. Wish I didn't realise that. I know is probably not going to work out, the last time I saw her was like 3 months ago, and after that she was injured, she's been busy etc. etc.

I was so hopeful, still, when I boldly text her to ask her out on third date. She did reply, even asked me for advise if acupuncture was going to help her sprain.

3 weeks later, I messaged her and she never did reply. I knew that it was time to give up, like 2 weeks ago. However I still held on the hope that it isn't really over, till this one random night after a date with a guy.

I don't know how am I supposed to feel now. So I just cried, maybe as a farewell to the girl that I really really like.