Bored @ Office Part XX?

Have not been putting up posts for July. Probably it marks the start of my laziness to keep up with this blog. Anyway, some little stuff that I wrote during boring office hours today...

1. Everything unhealthy on my desk goes first. Thus explains why the apple on my desk rotted after 2 weeks.

2. I've always wanted to write something witty and outrageously funny, yet, it all boils down to this inferiority complex that nothing I write will ever be funny. Because dark comedy isn't funny but saddening.

3. I want to squeeze in as many meaning as I can within a short sentence, but usually ended up 10 times the length to tell half of what I wanted to say. Since primary school days, my summary tests failed and essays too long.

4. I cannot think fiction stories to write, the idea usually struck me like a lightning and went away in a flash.

5. I love music of all genres, listen to everything yet it seems I don't understand any.

6. Inspiration is like a nice cool breeze suddenly blowing on a hot summer day, you feel it and next moment it is gone.

7. Reading is a good way to writing, but if you don't start writing, reading constantly will prepare you when you feel like starting anytime.

8. Creative braincells die off as soon as you used them. You will have to have mental food everyday to regrow them again.

Most part of it sounds like crap, but all ideas start from crap. That's what the life is full of.

REthinking Meself

I got lazy with blog. In fact, I got lazy with life. I must admit that I have live comfortably for the past 26 years of my life to really reflect what has been going on around. The fact been that I don't use my head to think too much probably contributed to the fact that I must have missed a lot of important events and opportunities in life. Probably even forgot the more important things in life.

So I talked to my sista through skype the other day, telling her that I should find something new in life. Not that coming to stay in a new country 10,000 miles across the globe is nothing new to me, just that probably I should start rethinking life a bit. More than a quarter of my life have passed, and that I worry if I should reach the age of 40 and still be what I would be at the age of 26, although now is not a bad thing.

The thought of staying the same while time passes away sort of scare me, probably it happens to many people at a point in their lifetime when nothing is sure now and they do not where to head in the future. Uncertainty of self and possible potential or even abilities will probably freak a lot of people out as they do not know what to do with themselves if they do ever realised that life can be so helpless sometimes. That's how I felt now, although not freaking out, I constantly worry about being achieving nothing 10 years down the road, when till now, it seems whatever have been achieved is mediocre and of mundanity.

The worst is probably the fact that I don't seem to hold a strong passion towards anything in life that I am doing now and could work towards it. Money I do love, but I know I wouldn't give up everything else just to attain it. Career, I do care, but I wouldn't carry the passion to go through and climb up the corporate ladder, although there is really a question of whether the desire to be on top is really there. Study have been an obligation and a mean to me rather than the end (end being the certificate that adds on the portfolio for my CV), and it has always much of a last minute job and nothing satisifying on accomplishment. Love is something I longed, but it seems I just have this mental impediment to allow me to follow my heart and find someone that I love and would date. Family is of utmost importance, yet I have not worked hard enough towards contributing to a better relationship, closeness seems to come at ease and natural that makes me wonder if it is really necessary to even think of how to pull the family even closer.

Having to go through the whole list of what normal human beings would have desires or goals for, the only thing is probably to learn to leave happily and wait for Judgement time, probably more than 40 years to go, if I am ever that lucky enough. So what about the waiting time of 40 more years to go? Merely leaving as per now, supposedly. Otherwise, there seems nothing to look forward to, except to make waiting more bearable and fun.

Being happy and satisfied is probably the most the difficult then, to feel that life is fun and everyday is good. I don't lead a bad life, I have friends, family, a stable job, etc. Weekends am kept busy and weekdays I find stuff to learn and fufill myself. Yet something is missing, something tells me that I need to rethink and probably change the way I am now. I guess if is love that I am missing, then this feeling will probably stay there. Although I hope to open the door and find love someday.

Is it love that I am missing, or is it something more larger than life, and not just love that I feel I should be finding?