About Happiness

Comes suddenly and hits you in the head...  making you dizzy and spinning around wondering what was going on.  How is it that, all of  a sudden you are in a merry-go-round, spinning fast and that the world was turning in a blur yet you felt so happy, with your heart beating with excitement and anticipation?

Is this what life is about?  Not knowing what happened but only realising what you feel?  A day, just like any other normal day, stuck deep in the mud of mundane and routine, makes it all the difference when you are happy and unhappy.  Does the world stop spinning when you are unhappy?  Do people really notice and care about how you feel?  However, it still changed to you.  A day like any other day is not like any other day.  It is a day, when you think, today I am happy.

Cherish the happy day, as there are not a lot that comes by.  Sometimes it only lasts for that 1 day, and then everything else just falls back to whatever was before that.  Only then will you realise that happiness is so fragile, just like a butterfly.  Flies in to touch you for the moment, then the next it's gone.

Then, no matter how hard you tried, you may never find the butterfly again.

Perhaps, in the process of searching for it.  You have gotten used to the grey of every day.  Still everything passes like a blur, because you stop wondering and looking.  The spinning continues but it starts to get dizzy in a bad way, makes you want to vomit, makes you want to cry and makes you want to stop the spinning, and searching.  And just close your eyes and shut the world out.  No noise just silence and no motion just stillness.

Then slowly, open your eyes again...  See what is around you.  A butterfly, a different butterfly, may just come and visit you.  The happy day, as sudden as it has left, will come suddenly.  Hitting you on the head, making you dizzy and spinning around wondering what was going on.

Poem 1 Archived

At first...
You tried to run...
You tried to hide..

Then...
You wished you had vanished...
You wished it was just a nightmare...

But then...
You felt it to the core of your every bone...
You smelled it to the every drop of your blood...

So...
You peeled the shell of your soul with every inch of your strength...

You searched and searched
 And searched again..

Till you found your inner hero 
Staring right through your very own window of freedom. 

- Cho C. Win (09/28/2011)

I Cannot Believe It

Yup.  I've said it.

For once in my life, I've allowed myself to let her grow from a benign tumor to a cancerous one.  When did that happen?  I do not even know... guess that is the question on most people 's mind when fell in love with the wrong person.

Hello Blog, Its Me Again

Hi Dear Abandoned Blog,

I think you will be glad to know that the bitch call Karma might have answered your call... She's made me come back on the one year anniversary of none update/confession to visit you because I'm still stuck in the same effin' situation exactly a year ago with no progress...

It feels like to you are my higher authority that I have not got in touched with for so long and you are giving me a knock on the head today to remind me you are still here and very much alive and kicking.

So yes... there you go. I'm still the same: single and looking. Even though I would very much like to imagine myself to be happily married with a beautiful beautiful wife (wives in my mormon fantasy), and planning for the first kid right now while setting up the white picket fence in our new house yadda yadda....

I promise that I will never abandon you again for so long...  If it means that I will not find a good woman to settle down with as a punishment to not confessing to you.  Amen.

/* Post dated */

So I told myself: There, I've said it. I've done myself justice, so be satisfied and bite the bullet if I have to go through the rough patch of getting out of this infatuation.

It's not going to be easy, but hold the hope that you will get over it and be fine. Just like you have done before. It's tough but you've been through it before. Time's a slow doctor that makes you groan with pain with each passing day, thinking the wound will never recover. But one fine day, you will find yourself healed eventually. Nothing that will not be over if you willed it to.

Random...

It's like.. clockwork, precise and predictable at every move. Yet, in every move, as every second passes, something small changes. Something is different from the last move, so tiny that you might oversee it. Then once in a while, you look back and realised how different it became, time now and then. So, you try to calibrate the next move so that it comes back to where it used to be, back with what you were familiar with.

Life needs calibration. Once in a while, look back to calibrate back the deviations before seconds turns to minutes and to something that even calibration might not be able to make it what you wanted.

In the end

In the end, I still cannot be honest to the one person who's been totally honest with me. I've hurt him, in the way I didn't think it would be possible.

Ultimately, I'm just one of the many other people who have hurt him in his life. I hurt him by not telling him the truth, I've hurt him by not being able to love him back like he has. What kind of person am I?

What kind of person am I?

Who am I? The person that looks totally honest but really all full of lies? Guess that just makes me a very very good liar.

When will I have the courage to start merging all the different parts of me and show it as a whole, even when I was given the chance to start totally anew?

What have I done?