Poem 1 Archived

At first...
You tried to run...
You tried to hide..

Then...
You wished you had vanished...
You wished it was just a nightmare...

But then...
You felt it to the core of your every bone...
You smelled it to the every drop of your blood...

So...
You peeled the shell of your soul with every inch of your strength...

You searched and searched
 And searched again..

Till you found your inner hero 
Staring right through your very own window of freedom. 

- Cho C. Win (09/28/2011)

I Cannot Believe It

Yup.  I've said it.

For once in my life, I've allowed myself to let her grow from a benign tumor to a cancerous one.  When did that happen?  I do not even know... guess that is the question on most people 's mind when fell in love with the wrong person.

Hello Blog, Its Me Again

Hi Dear Abandoned Blog,

I think you will be glad to know that the bitch call Karma might have answered your call... She's made me come back on the one year anniversary of none update/confession to visit you because I'm still stuck in the same effin' situation exactly a year ago with no progress...

It feels like to you are my higher authority that I have not got in touched with for so long and you are giving me a knock on the head today to remind me you are still here and very much alive and kicking.

So yes... there you go. I'm still the same: single and looking. Even though I would very much like to imagine myself to be happily married with a beautiful beautiful wife (wives in my mormon fantasy), and planning for the first kid right now while setting up the white picket fence in our new house yadda yadda....

I promise that I will never abandon you again for so long...  If it means that I will not find a good woman to settle down with as a punishment to not confessing to you.  Amen.

/* Post dated */

So I told myself: There, I've said it. I've done myself justice, so be satisfied and bite the bullet if I have to go through the rough patch of getting out of this infatuation.

It's not going to be easy, but hold the hope that you will get over it and be fine. Just like you have done before. It's tough but you've been through it before. Time's a slow doctor that makes you groan with pain with each passing day, thinking the wound will never recover. But one fine day, you will find yourself healed eventually. Nothing that will not be over if you willed it to.

Random...

It's like.. clockwork, precise and predictable at every move. Yet, in every move, as every second passes, something small changes. Something is different from the last move, so tiny that you might oversee it. Then once in a while, you look back and realised how different it became, time now and then. So, you try to calibrate the next move so that it comes back to where it used to be, back with what you were familiar with.

Life needs calibration. Once in a while, look back to calibrate back the deviations before seconds turns to minutes and to something that even calibration might not be able to make it what you wanted.

In the end

In the end, I still cannot be honest to the one person who's been totally honest with me. I've hurt him, in the way I didn't think it would be possible.

Ultimately, I'm just one of the many other people who have hurt him in his life. I hurt him by not telling him the truth, I've hurt him by not being able to love him back like he has. What kind of person am I?

What kind of person am I?

Who am I? The person that looks totally honest but really all full of lies? Guess that just makes me a very very good liar.

When will I have the courage to start merging all the different parts of me and show it as a whole, even when I was given the chance to start totally anew?

What have I done?

Infatuation is a Bitch!

Yes, you heard me. I guess there's always this self-abusing nature of human beings. You cannot get out of a crush because she's your friend, you always see her. And every time you hang out with her, you tuned out what's going on around, sometimes even what she's talking about. Then you notice how beautiful are her eyes, her smile, her hair, her skin, even the way she smells.

You feel your stomach twists whenever she leans in close to talk to you. And then, you start imagining that she might also like you, trying to find desperately (when probably there are none or totally willful misinterpretation) signs that she might also be into you.

Not that you've never tried. In fact, she's the one who suggested after a couple of dates to want to hang out as friends but it might be awkward. Being the total hopeless you, you disagreed that it will be awkward and you will be totally cool to be just friends.

So you hang out, twisting every muscle to hang on to that hair-thin self-control. Hitting your hand mentally when it inches out to touch her face or her hair, and pretending to be just friends. Right, just friends to her and torturing yourself internally.

You say to move on, but you kept making plans and finding excuses to create some events to hang out the next time. She's probably been friendly by asking you out again, genuinely to be friends. While you, clinging on the false hopes that she might just want to go out on a date with you.

Years ago, you remember spitting at those women who flung themselves uselessly at men who used them as doormats, been abusive or cheating etc. Then to a certain degree, you realised that you are probably like one of them too. Because you cannot get out of this infatuation. Because you keep doing what they are always doing, feed themselves with false hopes and imagination that things will change and she will come back to you someday, afterall, she never did outright rejected you, and even said that she liked you, but she's just not ready, right?

Your friends just tell you to move on and that she's sort of using you. Maybe deep inside you know they are right. Sometimes, you just tell them that you have moved on and the relationship is just pure friendship. Bullshit to others, and bullshit to yourself that you are not hopelessly hoping.

Pathetic, and you are just struggling, insincerely, to find a way out for yourself. Hoping time will help if distance is working just the opposite. Hoping divine intervention will help when you are working against it.

Yup, infatuation is a bitch, but you know who's that stupid chick that feeds this bitch constantly.