Infatuation is a Bitch!

Yes, you heard me. I guess there's always this self-abusing nature of human beings. You cannot get out of a crush because she's your friend, you always see her. And every time you hang out with her, you tuned out what's going on around, sometimes even what she's talking about. Then you notice how beautiful are her eyes, her smile, her hair, her skin, even the way she smells.

You feel your stomach twists whenever she leans in close to talk to you. And then, you start imagining that she might also like you, trying to find desperately (when probably there are none or totally willful misinterpretation) signs that she might also be into you.

Not that you've never tried. In fact, she's the one who suggested after a couple of dates to want to hang out as friends but it might be awkward. Being the total hopeless you, you disagreed that it will be awkward and you will be totally cool to be just friends.

So you hang out, twisting every muscle to hang on to that hair-thin self-control. Hitting your hand mentally when it inches out to touch her face or her hair, and pretending to be just friends. Right, just friends to her and torturing yourself internally.

You say to move on, but you kept making plans and finding excuses to create some events to hang out the next time. She's probably been friendly by asking you out again, genuinely to be friends. While you, clinging on the false hopes that she might just want to go out on a date with you.

Years ago, you remember spitting at those women who flung themselves uselessly at men who used them as doormats, been abusive or cheating etc. Then to a certain degree, you realised that you are probably like one of them too. Because you cannot get out of this infatuation. Because you keep doing what they are always doing, feed themselves with false hopes and imagination that things will change and she will come back to you someday, afterall, she never did outright rejected you, and even said that she liked you, but she's just not ready, right?

Your friends just tell you to move on and that she's sort of using you. Maybe deep inside you know they are right. Sometimes, you just tell them that you have moved on and the relationship is just pure friendship. Bullshit to others, and bullshit to yourself that you are not hopelessly hoping.

Pathetic, and you are just struggling, insincerely, to find a way out for yourself. Hoping time will help if distance is working just the opposite. Hoping divine intervention will help when you are working against it.

Yup, infatuation is a bitch, but you know who's that stupid chick that feeds this bitch constantly.